Everyone I know has got a reason

"Jumper" by Third Eye Blind

"I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand

The angry boy, a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don't belong
You're the first to fight
You're way too loud
You're the flash of light on the burial shroud
I know something's wrong
Well, everyone I know has got a reason
To say "put the past away"

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand

Well he's on the table and he's gonna code
And I do not think that anyone knows
What they're doing here
And your friends have left you
You've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this, and I
I want you to know
Everyone's got to face down the demons
Maybe today, you can put the past away

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand

Can you put the past away?
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
And I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
And I would understand"


it seems like i keep forgetting that everyone is different, and then i freak out. i freak out and i pull back, and i feel like a little kid who cant deal with the world, which is stupid because i can deal with the world just fine. but for some reason, i now panic. Hi, my name is Caitlin and i now have emotional shortcomings... heh.
i keep reminding myself that it's not about me because i hate being so self focused, but this one time, it really is all about me. it has nothing to do with anyone else, it's all me. i keep letting my mind trick me into thinking things, making me freak out and be the woman who's scary and damaged. how do you fix that? how do you stop your brain from telling itself things? lol for once i feel like i don't have any control over things, and no way to get control.
i feel lost, like i'm in that giant hedge maze from Harry Potter that keeps changing.

it feels good to rant.
the brain is a powerful thing and the mind is a crazy place and the truth is, everything that i described above is just one part the bigger picture. i do let the past influence me a bit too much and it is making me freak out at times. i let it get to me and then i feel like i've lost control of my life, but i haven't. i dont want to do the same things. i want to do things differently and have things turn out differently and i'm doing a pretty good job at regulating myself. the problem comes when i forget that everyone is different. i think that everyone is the same and is going to react in the same ways and want the same things and do the same things, and i freak out. i'm gonna have to work on that.


--as always

That's my childhood, man!

so for the past few weeks i have been really delving back into some of the things from my childhood, you know, tv shows and books and all... it sort of happened with the getting rid of EVERYTHING thing... anyways, there was this anime-type show that i would always get up at 5 every school day morning to watch. two half-hour shows, back to back: Zoids: Chaotic Century and Zoids: New Century Zero. they're still good. :) i can testify that i had good taste even as a little kid. :D so i've been watching these two shows on the internet for the past few weeks and then i looked them up on amazon... the one copy that they have for sale of the entire Chaotic Century series is close to $600. talk about a bullet to the heart, man. that's how much my childhood tv show is worth?! WAT!
anyways, i decided that i will look around for a less expensive version...

on the topic of getting rid of everything: i have all of this stuff, and i don't know what to do with it... it's not really important stuff, but it's stuff that i actually use. the only problem is that i don't have a place to put it. D: also, i have too many books... i didn't really think it was possible, but it's true. i have too many books for the amount of space i have... which is tragically sad.
well, off to get rid of more stuff.



--as always