in light of the holiday season

if i was to write down all of the things that go "wrong" over the holiday seasons (ie: this quarter of the year) i'd have a novel....

but. since the holiday season is about being grateful and happy and all that jazz, i might as well list the highlights of the season so far...
(let's leave out thanksgiving, shall we?)


- my mother comes home with even more outside holiday light-up things... a snowman and a snowflake this time... i sigh and raise an eyebrow. she looks at me and says "what? decorations make me happy." ... she then proceeds to complain about how the christmas tree isnt up and how she still has to write christmas cards.
... merry christmas, mom...

- i'm putting up the tree again, for the 4th year in a row... i level it out with magazines and put it together and put the lights on it and everything... then i dont feel like doing anything more with it (plus mother was complaining about how i always put the garland on wrong... how? i have no idea...) so i didnt do anything more. i basically told my family: you put the ornaments up... and they did. :)

- this year, nothing is a surprise... but i will pretend to be surprised, and they will never know the difference...

- went to my aunt's place in San Diego. she got me a bag that looks like a an upside-down cassette tape (complete with sides A and B) and real 45 record bookends. (45s that have been bent with heat and made into bookends... they are copies that came out in Britain...)
she is the only relative who truly understands me (better than my parents even, which isnt all that hard...)

- my dad and i were hanging up the light-up snowflake and it fell and broke... (nothing i cant fix...) my dad and i spent 10 minutes in JoAnn's debating about which glue works best for binding plastic.

- me: "can i play music over the house speakers?"
mom: "is it christmas music?"
me: "no."
she let me play it anyway and then gave me a confused look later that day when she saw that my mood had improved...

- the depression came early, or earlier than i had expected. so i have been fighting it by being really nice and helpful around my mother, and i have been acting very positive, which contradicts her general holiday complaining mood. i have successfully found ways around every issue and problem that she can find and i have been very matter-of-fact and it-will-all-be-okay around her... it drives her crazy... which, consequently, is the one thing that almost always seems to brighten my mood, depression or no depression...



fun times...

--as always

i feel...

i feel sick.

my friend Yvee has a boyfriend! yay!
... i cant quite put my finger on why this sort of thing always makes me feel a little bit sick... but it does. maybe its because dating always stresses me out. maybe its because it seems like i havent had that much luck with guys... maybe its because...

i guess it doesnt really matter... the feeling will pass, i'm sure.



but i still do feel sick...




--as always

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

"Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot

"Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before"



--as always

MLIA

i have sort of dropped off the radar as of late. so here are some of the things that have been going on, for those who care:

- i went camping this weekend.
- i watched the whole first season of Big Bang Theory in one night.
- i decided to get rid of almost all of my stuff. (i havent actually done it yet, but i will)
- i am now sleeping in the living room of my parents house.
- i have no clothes to wear because i refuse to do laundry at the moment. ( i have a feeling that this will quickly change)
- i still havent listened to Matchbox 20 or most of Billy Joel.
- my actual bed has had stuff on it for a week and a half, and i dont care.
- i have spent more time in my room while writing this blog post than i have in a whole two weeks.
- i have started filling out applications.
- i have seen Zombieland, twice. good movie.

sorry it's not all that interesting, i can be somewhat boring. i'm working on it.

--as always

All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered

i am not quite sure what to say in light of everything, whether that makes sense or not... i usually keep my "song of the day" posts a bit impersonal, for the most part, but today i think is different... we'll see.


"Shattered" by O.A.R.

"In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

But how many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
I always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around"





you know that feeling when you try so hard to do something, or pull something off, a feat of some sort, and it all seems to be falling apart. or maybe you are trying to hide something but you feel that the veil you have put place to hide that thing is just a bit too thin, maybe even a bit sheer.... well, that's a bit how i feel at the moment: like things are a bit odd, not necessarily working out the way i would like them to... but that is not too uncommon for me... lol.

but recently i feel this rather acutely, this feeling: a feeling of vulnerability that i cant take away or change. i cant do anything about it because it moves at its own pace and it wont go away until it is ready to, or rather, till i have reached a point where it can.

psychology tells me that i have issues, and i believe it. i do have issues, but its how i cope with the world. and psychology tells me that there is a logical answer to the question posed in this song: "how many times can i break till i shatter?" and it is based on the psyche and the stability of an individual... but real life tells me that there is no true answer, because every situation is different and every situation has its different "shatter" points.




--as always

Your regrets fall like empty lines

"No Valentines" by Elton John

"No more Valentine's Day
No more Christmas cards
I've thrown them all away
No more sequined stars
No birthday wishes
No more surprises
Who needs them anyway?
No reason to get excited

Yes, I gave you everything
I gave you earth and sky
And everything in between
That walks or crawls or flies
No Easter mornings
It's your cross now
Keep it all for yourself
It's overrated anyhow

But keep my Valentine
I'll keep my bleeding heart
Just let me out of here
Before that sentimental music starts
Your regrets
Fall like empty lines
Like the lies we write
On Valentines

But keep my Valentine
I'll keep my bleeding heart
Just let me out of here
Before that sentimental music starts
Your regrets
Fall like empty lines
Like the lies we write
On Valentines

I'll keep my bleeding heart
Just let me out of here
Before that sentimental music starts
And your regrets
Fall like empty lines
Like the lies we write
On Valentines"




i really need to get rid of that shampoo...






--as always

*insert topic here*

Random late night, or any other time, musings:

=> on comic books:
- i started reading Sara's copies the the Blackest Night series, and i remembered why i love comic books... the sad part is that i don't remember the last time i read comic books, it was several several years ago...


=> on essays:
- i am very unamused by essay writing. it is not a bad thing to write essays, but nor is it enthralling. i must have only spent an hour and a half of slow slow typing on the essay i rewrote, practically from scratch last night... but i spent 5 hours at the computer, or doing other things like watching Ironman: The Armored Adventures, or making brownies, or just sitting there pressing my thumbs together...


=> on music:
- i'm going through a Elton John phase at the moment. i dont want to listen to anything else... just Elton John


=> on people:
- there are a few very select people that are driving my crazy at the moment, cray to the point where, in the back of my mind, becoming like Howard Hughes would be less stressful, jars of pee and all.... (dont worry, that's not gonna happen)


=> on family:
- sigh my parents are being very hot and cold right now, not with each other, but with me... one day they are very happy and willing to help me in my 'endeavors' and just a few days later they are telling me that my life is falling apart and heading down the drain and that i am not being a good student, daughter, servant, person, human being (insert noun here)... thanks guys, way to build the confidence... that's why i learned how to take care of myself emotionally many years ago...but here, have a cookie!


--as always

Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams

"Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club

"Desert loving in your eyes all the way
If I listen to your lies would you say
I'm a man without conviction
I'm a man who doesn't know
How to sell a contradiction
You come and go
You come and go

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon
You come and go
You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green

Didn't hear your wicked words every day
And you used to be so sweet I heard you say
That my love was an addiction
When we cling our love is strong
When you go you're gone forever
You string along
You string along

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon
You come and go
You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green

Every day is like survival
You're my lover not my rival
Every day is like survival
You're my lover not my rival

I'm a man without conviction
I'm a man who doesn't know
How to sell a contradiction
You come and go
You come and go

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon
You come and go
You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon
You come and go
You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon
You come and go
You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green"




This song has been following me... for weeks...




--as always

Are they gonna find us lying face down in the sand?

"Follow You Down" by Gin Blossoms

"Did you see the sky
I think it means that we've been lost
Maybe one less time is all we need
I can't really help it if my tongue's all tied in knots
Jumping off a bridge
It's just the farthest that I've ever been

Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
Any place but those I know by heart
Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
I'll follow you down but not that far

I know we're headed somewhere
I can see how far we've come
But still I can't remember anything
Let's not do the wrong thing
And I'll swear it might be fun
It's a long way down
When all the knots we've tied have come undone

Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
Any place but those I know by heart
Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
I'll follow you down but not that far

How you gonna ever find your place
Running in an artificial pace
Are they gonna find us lying face down in the sand?
So what the hell now
We've already been forever damned

Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
Any place but those I know by heart
Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
I'll follow you down but not that far

Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
Any place but those I know by heart
Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
I'll follow you down but not that far
I'll follow you down but not that far
I'll follow you down but not that far"


funny how this song is such a contradiction. it contradicts itself left and right. and yet i still love it. this week has been so great in so many ways, but it has also been very sad.

monday:
-no school
-no work
-i quietly left Chelle's house at 8 after spending the night for her birthday party thing. drove home and wasnt yelled at for spending the night at someones house. :)

tuesday:
-i dont know what was good or bad about tuesday...
-i fell asleep in the back of my truck while waiting for my brother to finish soccer practice. strangest thing i have ever done. (and if you dont know why, ask me the next time you see me)

wednesday:
-math test (meh)
-i didnt do much on wednesday...
-church was great. (ah! fun times!)

thursday:
-Subway (Sara won)
-last thursday night dinner:
-Beatles rock band
-enchiladas (mmm...)
-and much, much more!
-no work
-i wasnt at home for a full 12 hours (from 0800 to 2000)

friday:
- :)
-no school
-my red Swingline came via UPS today!!
-movie friday:
-built a fort
-played Beatles rock band
-watched Alice In Wonderland
-pulled a prank/heist/:)
-Bible talk was fun
-went to Burger King and watched Adrianne work for 30 mins
-went to the dog park with Adrianne and chilled till 930 (2130)
-still to come --> all night movie and math night! the movies: Star Wars 4, 5 and 6

wonderful, wonderful week! great times with friends! fantastic things done!

--as always

and the list goes on!

i have decided to start a project. this project is to read all of the books on the following list, of which there are supposed to be 100 (but there are really more than 100 because some of the 'books' on the list are series). this list was put out by people in Britain and i got it from Trent, off of facebook. lol

here is the list:
[ ] A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
[ ] A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
[ ] A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
[ ] A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
[ ] A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
[ ] A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
[ ] A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
[ ] Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
[ ] Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
[ ] Animal Farm - George Orwell
[ ] Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
[ ] Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
[ ] Atonement - Ian McEwan
[ ] Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
[ ] Bleak House - Charles Dickens
[ ] Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
[ ] Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
[ ] Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
[ ] Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
[ ] Catcher in the Rye - J. D. Salinger
[ ] Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
[ ] Charlotte’s Web - EB White
[ ] Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
[ ] Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
[ ] Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
[ ] Complete Works of Shakespeare
[ ] Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
[ ] Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
[ ] David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
[ ] Dracula - Bram Stoker
[ ] Dune - Frank Herbert
[ ] Emma - Jane Austen
[ ] Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
[ ] Germinal - Emile Zola
[ ] Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
[ ] Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
[ ] Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
[ ] Hamlet - William Shakespeare
[ ] Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
[ ] Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
[ ] His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
[ ] Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
[ ] Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
[ ] Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
[ ] Life of Pi - Yann Martel
[ ] Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
[ ] Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
[ ] Lord of the Flies - William Golding
[ ] Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
[ ] Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
[ ] Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
[ ] Middlemarch - George Eliot
[ ] Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
[ ] Moby Dick - Herman Melville
[ ] Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
[ ] Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
[ ] Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
[ ] Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
[ ] On The Road - Jack Kerouac
[ ] One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
[ ] Persuasion - Jane Austen
[ ] Possession - AS Byatt
[ ] Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
[ ] Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
[ ] Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
[ ] Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
[ ] Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
[ ] The Bible
[ ] The Color Purple - Alice Walker
[ ] The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon
[ ] The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
[ ] The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
[ ] The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
[ ] The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
[ ] The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
[ ] The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
[ ] The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
[ ] The Inferno – Dante
[ ] The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
[ ] The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
[ ] The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
[ ] The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
[ ] The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
[ ] The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
[ ] The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
[ ] The Secret History - Donna Tartt
[ ] The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
[ ] The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
[ ] The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
[ ] The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
[ ] The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
[ ] The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
[ ] To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
[ ] Ulysses - James Joyce
[ ] Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
[ ] War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
[ ] Watership Down - Richard Adams
[ ] Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
[ ] Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte


some of these are actually repeats, but i didnt write the list, so... but anyways, i will be calling this project Project: Library Card. why? i dont know... just feel like it. and i'll probably have to use my library card a lot throughout the duration of this project...

so. i have completed a book:
[X] The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood

i had read it before, but not all the way through, it's a good book. it has several similarities to Orwell's 1984 (which i will be rereading, of course. Handmaids Tale was all about extreme religion and politics as well as the basic human instinct to survive and its incredible ability to adapt. i would definitely suggest reading it.
(note: it might be a bit difficult for guys, maybe)



more on the way. i will repost the list, with the books i have read crossed off, periodically. the list here is in alphabetical order, but i do not intend to follow the order of the list, i am just going to choose books from the list regardless of their position on the list. :) fun times and happy travels!

--as always

I wondered what might happen

two parts to this post today. the first time i have done such, but whatever.


part one: song of the day.


"This Time" by Jonathan Rhys Meyers

"Tonight the sky above
Reminds me how to love
Walking through wintertime
And the stars all shine
The angel on the stairs
Will tell you I was there
Under the front porch light
On the mystery night

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen
If I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back
Could I get you off my mind
This time

The neon lights and bars
And headlights from the cars
Had started a symphony surrounding me
The things I left behind
Have melted in my mind
And now there's a purity inside of me

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen
If I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back
Could I get you off my mind
This time

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen
If I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back
Could I get you off my mind
This time"

this song is from one of the saddest inspirational movies i have ever seen to date. it is also on my list of favorite movies, as this song is on my list of favorite songs.

i have been hearing the same sort of thing from all different places lately: the start of a new life; a new beginning; a fresh start. college: it's a new direction, a new chance. "my life starts now" ... but what about the person who had already started living their life, whose life 'started' a long time ago? what about the person who knows where they are going and has for a while now? what about them?

see, i hear all these different people saying these things and i feel a few different things, whether wrong or right for me to feel. i feel a sort of humor that i can only explain to myself or anyone else by the phrase "you're only just starting now?" but then i also feel as if i can relate, in a distant sort of way... i dont mean to offend anyone, not by any means. it's just how i feel. and i do relate. i once felt as if i was starting the rest of my life from a certain point. my point in life just happened to be sooner than, apparently, almost everyone else's.

there's not much else to say on the subject without getting into certain details of my life which i dont really feel like doing at the moment... (sorry, if you were expecting it) if you really want to know, ask me.



part two: the day's shenanigans.


Morning:
i wake up and get out of bed this morning at around 9. then i get ready for school and whatnot. i drive to the school and i have the hardest time finding parking. i had to park out in the boonies and even then i had to back up and i almost hit a person (someone i knew, btw)

Math:
i am sitting outside my math class and Matt Hissong walks up and takes a seat next to me (he's trying to crash a math class) and we talk. i haven't seen him in a very long time, let alone talk to him. it's nice to know that we are now on better terms than what we left off as the last time i spoke to him. (but maybe it was just my impression that we weren't on that great of terms).
the teacher had similar mannerisms and taught just like older LeBeau... but no sweat, it's my third year of calc. Sara and i talked with Matt almost the whole class period.

Passing Time:
i walk around and locate one of my classes for tomorrow. then i see some more old friends and i say hello to them. that was pretty cool.

French:
i am sitting in french 101 with Rima and the teacher is actually from France, which is pretty cool. i am sitting there, feeding Rima answers and the teacher thinks that she is really cool and that she knows a lot about french culture and the french language; and i just laugh. and the teacher starts her lesson with: "je m'appelle..." and i just start laughing (not out loud, mind you, but silently to myself and a bit with Rima) that class is a breeze!

Passing More Time:
i decide that i want to go home. so i do. then i lay on the floor and close my eyes for 45 mins, in my old tradition of sleeping (no joke, i would honestly consider that sleep in the days of IB, which really weren't that long ago...) then i go back to the school and i have no trouble finding parking.

CIS:
i really like my CIS teacher. he wears a cowboy hat and apparently sings karaoke... lol. he takes roll and then he starts to go over the syllabus and when he is done talking about what he wants to talk about he asks us if we have any questions and there were only about 5. he then says: "well, i guess you all can go, then" or something along those lines, so we all leave. it's only 1900 (or 7 pm for all of you who dont like military time) and so i turn to Dakota and say: "hey, you want to go to the dog park?" and so we went to the dog park

The Evening:
so Dakota and i went to the dog park and had fun with all the cool playground stuff. then we decided that we should call people and tell/ask them to join us. so we called Sara, Woody, Niiki (and vicariously Chelle) and Brendan... Woody said she would try to make it, Nikki and Chelle were about to eat dinner, and Brendan wouldn't answer his phone... so it ended up being just me, Dakota and Sara at the dog park chillin and having fun and stuff.
great conversation bit (it's abbreviated a little):
Sara: "what are those people doing?"
we decided that they were running in slow motion
Dakota: "why?" (or something along those lines)
Sara: "maybe they are making a movie for people who like to watch their movies on fast forward"
Me: "it would be a silent film..."
Sara: "they'd just have REALLY long subtitles"
we all burst out in laughter
the three of us then decide to go to get ice cream and so we all go to MacDonald's, where Sara and i proceed, or rather continue (because we actually have several of these moments at the park), to have several "like this (includes hand gesture)" moments. which make Dakota face palm and laugh. the best part is that we couldnt really help it, it just happens. ahh, good times.

so that was my day. fun filled and great, like every other day, for the most part. :) i look forward to many more!


--as always

Don't touch that, it's hot.

why is it that the things that are inevitable always hurt the most? the pain you see coming hurts worse that it really should... it's like, when you anticipate there to be pain, and you are waiting for it, you always seem to feel it more acutely...

what's up with that? why do we do that to ourselves? if we know it's going to happen, why do we brace ourselves? why do we make it hurt more? what the heck! whatever... we can't all be like those people who walk across live coals... such is life and so it goes.

--as always

opposites attract?

i feel like i have bipolar nights... because i really like the night, it's one of my favorite times. it's a time that i feel i can most be myself, where the lights arent so bright and i can see better, and i feel more free and more relaxed. but it seems like no one else likes nighttime as much as i do... everyone likes there to be total silence; and dont get me wrong, silence is good, but i would like to be able to do things.

nighttime is my favorite time of day, but it's always the time i feel the worst. (hence the whole bipolar nights theory) lol... i just feel like i shouldnt have to tip-toe around just to get anything done... i wish i lived on my own...

--as always

Maybe I'm just out of my mind!!

today has been full of stuff. it's not very often (if ever) that i post two things in one day. but today is one of those days

i have a song for you all. it's a classic. one that i didnt choose for the lyrics but for the feeling it leaves you with. so here it is:

"I'm With You" by Avril Lavigne

"I'm standing on the bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
It's a damn cold night
I'm trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
but I, I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know?
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
It's a damn cold night
I'm trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
but I, I'm with you
I'm with you

Oh! Why is everything so confusing?
Maybe I'm just out of my mind!

It's a damn cold night
I'm trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
but I, I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
but I, I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
but I, I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you"

this song always leaves me feeling sad. and this is definitely and day for sad. ... i did it to myself, but thats the way these things go. or so it seems. either way this day at this time is a moment, is a time, is a day for sadness.

it is also a day for happiness. as i said earlier, i got a new bird today, and i absolutely love him. he's so great.

also it's a day for fun. there were many fun moments for today. Nikki came over today and we watched SGA and that was very fun. also, i went on a date today, and that was very fun. i had a nice home-cooked vegetarian Chilean dish, which was very thoughtful on the part on my date. very encouraging. and then we all played wii mario cart and i lost every single round, but still had a blast.

so, despite the jumble of things and the roller-coaster of emotions, i think that i had deemed this day an overall good day, but it still has me left with this feeling. this feeling that you get from listening to this song...

--as always

That is the greatest thing I have ever heard!

i just got a new finch today because one of the two that i had died, and zebra finches do not like to be alone. so i got this new finch and he he very young and excitable and he's an all around spaz. but, he has the greatest song EVER!!! it's the funniest song i have ever heard. and i have heard some weird songs.

when i first got finches, i got three. and only one had a relatively normal song. one of them sung Woody the Woodpecker's song, no joke. and the other sounded like and old car engine trying to turn over. lol ... but this one. this new guy, he sings this song that sounds like computerized springs compressing and expanding. it's soo funny!!

--as always

The world seemed a restless place

Sad song of the day:

"Song For Ten" by Murray Gold

"Well I woke up today
And the world seemed a restless place
It could have been that way for me
And I wondered around
And I thought of your face
That Christmas looking back at me

I wish today was just like every other day
'Cause today has been the best day
Everything I ever dreamed

And I started to walk
Pretty soon I will run
And I'll be running back to you
'Cause I followed my star
And that's what you are
I've had a merry time with you

I wish today was just like every other day
'Cause today has been the best day
Everything I ever dreamed

So have a good life
Do it for me
Make me so proud like you want me to be
Wherever you are
I'm thinking of you oceans apart
I want you to know

Well I woke up today
And you're on the other side
Our time will never come again
But if you can still dream
Close your eyes, it will seem
That you can see me now and then

I wish today was just like every other day
'Cause today has been the best day
Everything I ever dreamed

I wish today was just like every other day
'Cause today has been the best day
Everything I ever dreamed"




Happy song of the day:

"Hope For The Hopeless" by A Fine Frenzy

"Stitch in your knitted brow
And you don't know how
You're gonna get it out
Crushed under heavy chest
Trying to catch your breath
But it always beats you by a step
Alright now

Making the best of it
Playing the hand you get
Well you're not alone in this

There's hope for the hopeless
There's hope for the hopeless
There's hope

Cold in a summer breeze
Yeah, you're shivering
On your bended knee
Still, when your heart is sore
And the heavens pour
Like a willow bending in the storm
You'll make it

Running against the wind
Playing the cards you get
Something is bound to give

There's hope for the hopeless
There's hope for the hopeless
There's hope
There's hope
There's hope

There's hope"



Usually I choose songs that pertain to what I am feeling, or what I am going through... but these two songs have very little to do with what I am feeling or what I am going through(actually, I guess I've been a little out of that practice for the past few...). And if you've heard these songs or if you read the lyrics and think that I must have listed them under the wrong sections, I didn't. The true meaning of the first is the parting of two people and the desire to remember the happy times, and it is genuinely a sad song. The second is about hope and though things go wrong and bad things happen, there is hope for everyone and everything.

Today was an odd day. Odd in many, many ways. I suppose I don't have any other words for it than that, just odd. My mother comes back home tomorrow and I have been Miracle Max all day. Constantly making things happen miraculously. Such as: cleaning the entire kitchen in under 30 minutes, driving people around town, getting home early, wrapping mattresses (don't ask, it's silly), keeping the boys in line (no easy task), and several other countless little tasks... all in record time. My mother says it's because I have functioning legs... but that's only because it's hard for her to move around.

I made a lot of decisions today; some that still have uncertain outcomes and others with outcomes that I can thoroughly predict. Sometimes I forget. I forget just why I feel the way I do, which is actually a silly thing to say and almost a complete lie. But there it stands... see, I hear people say all the time that you can't have two things at the same time, you can't have both black and white... but I don't believe that, I am living proof that you absolutely can.

So, that's the real reason for both of these songs. Two songs pertaining to life and it's hardships and one is sad and the other is happy. Black and white; at the same time. It's been one of those sort of days, where you have the good along with the bad, the joy along with the sorrow, the motivation along with the apathy... both existing in the same place, at the same time. So, that's it. That's all I have to say.

--as always

This day's a spinning circus on a wheel

"Ashes And Wine" by A Fine Frenzy

"Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
And I'll drown in my tear storming sea
That would show you
That would make you hurt like me

All the same
I don't want mud-slinging games
It's just a shame
To let you walk away

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's a spinning circus on a wheel
And I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee-laced, intoxicating on her lips

Shut it out
I've got no claim on you now
I'm not allowed
To wear your freedom down, no

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

I'll tear myself away
If that is what you need
There is nothing left to say
But...

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?
Reduced to ashes and wine?
Or are we ashes?"

this song is the newest addition to my list of favorite songs, which is rather long i must admit... (i'm actually thinking that i should split the list up with subsections based on why i like the songs) some of the songs on my list are there because of content, some are there because of the instrumentals, and others are there because of the way the notes flow from one to the next. this song is on my list for that reason; for the way that the notes flow together from one to the next. as a singer i am drawn to these types of songs because i find them more fun to sing, where the flow of the notes is unpredictable and unique.

A Fine Frenzy is one of my favorite artist, right up there with Billy Joel and Celine Dion, and i have had her songs stuck in my head since before comic-con. but now i know... i absolutely have to get that album!

--as always

What a week!!!

OH MY GOSH!!!!

this past week has been amazing. i have seen, met and talked to so many famous people that its ridiculous!! i have had an absolute blast!

so, some of my fonder memories from this last week:
- the drive down
it was amazing because Sara, Gracie, Paige and i were singing out to Disney songs the whole way down and designated starfleet ranks and characters from TOS to each of us... Sara was Kirk, Paige was Spock, Grace was Uhura, and i was Scotty. it was amazing!
- meeting Leonard Nimoy and shaking his hand
enough said... i thought i might die of happiness
- meeting Colin Baker
so cool!
- the Batman: The Brave and the Bold panel
it was a musical episode and it was the greatest thing to see first thing in the morning! sooooo funny!
- the Burn Notice and Psych panels
Bruce Campbell giving out money to those who flattered him or really amused him and then saying "So Bruce, how was Comic-Con? ... Expensive" so great! and then Dule Hill dancing and the whole audience shouting "Magic Head" over and over again
- the Green Lantern movie
so many great moments in that movie and the whole audience reciting the Green Lantern Corps oath. so epic... so much nerd in such a concentrated space!
- seeing David Tennant, John Barrowman and the cast of Being Human
David Tennant was so bubbly and happy, and so very random! and John Barrowman, where to start... he was hitting on every man on the stage. it was great!
- the great quotes
"I bet they punched you" "Yeah, punched me with their puppy dog eyes"
"I hope we can still get our swag from Psych and Burn Notice... it's ok, if we can't we'll just mug someone for theirs"
- seeing Amanda Tapping and Bob Picardo
that was the coolest thing to see two Stargate Atlantis leaders in such a short amount of time
- seeing Garet Wang
so cool
- the Big Bang Theory panel
it was just downright fun
- the wonderful conversations
if you were part of all of the silliness or the seriousness then you understand. what great times!
- almost getting in trouble and getting kicked out of the hotel the night before the last day of the con
now, this requires some explanation... so i was bored and mulling and musing over events and such, and i walked out of the room and down the corridor. and there, around the corner and by the table there, was a bellhop cart. now, my first reaction was to sit on it and roll around with it... and i pushed myself back and forth past the open hotel room door, because we almost always left it open. and then Jew came out and i sat on the cart and she push me up and down the corridor and we talked about stuff. shortly after (sort of) Nikki came out and said she needed to get ice, so she sat down on the cart behind me and we started to head towards the ice machine. then, as we were about to round the corner i caught a glimpse of a management staff person. and then Nikki and i quickly got off the cart and the management guy was walking towards us when Chelle showed up and asked what we were doing, to which i promptly responded "retuning the cart." then we sent Chelle back to the room to shut the door before the management guy got there, because we were sleeping eight people in a four person room... then Jew and i stashed the cart in the garage one floor down while Nikki got ice. Jew and i then went up to the top floor and continued our conversation until Nikki and Gracie came and found us, and then all four of us had to be shifty and sneeky to get back to the room without the management guy seeing us because he had been following Nikki.
- steeling towels from the maids hall with Paige and Gracie
we took eight towels and a bath mat, only to have four towels delivered to our room 30 minutes later. we had so many towels that it looked like we reenacted World War II with them...
- getting free stuff because i was forward and because guys thought i was cute
Gracie and i hung out one of the days and we got so much free stuff... it was impressive.
- the drive home
we were definitely the 'fun-vee' only, without the explosions and the dying

i know it's a lot, but in my defense, i did say that it was the best week ever...



--as always

I'll try to get out, but I never will...

"Trust Me" by The Fray

"Looking for something I've never seen
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and the place that I'm in
A city I never been
But I found a friend or should I say a foe
Said there's a few things you should know
We don't want you to see, we come and we go
Here today, gone tomorrow

We're only taking turns
Holding this world
It's how it's always been
When you're older
You will understand

If I say who I know, it just goes to show
You need me less than I need you
Take it from me, we don't give sympathy
You can trust me, trust nobody
But I said you and me we don't have honesty
The things we don't want to speak
I'll try to get out, but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still

We're only taking turns
Holding this world
It's how it's always been
When you're older
You will understand

But then again, maybe you don't
But then again, maybe you won't

We're only taking turns
Holding this world
It's how it's always been
When you're older
You will understand

When you're older
You might understand
When you're older
You might understand"





i went to put gas in my truck today and this song was the one that i had set to play next. i remember specifically putting it on this song, but i dont quite remember why. i do know that this song reminds me of a great many things, several things that i have been thinking a lot about recently. things that i have been through, things that have changed me and made me so drastically different from the rest of society.

this has been following me and i realize again and again that it will never go away, but then i dont really want it to. things dont matter to me as much as they matter to other people. i cant help it. i always get these odd looks and reactions to things that i do and things that i say, but its who i am... isnt it weird how some things can change you...


--as always

If you're rolling to your left, don't forget I'm on the right

"Get It Together" by Seal

"Now's the time for stepping out of place
Get up on your feet and give account of your faith
Pray to God or something, or whatever you do
What I see can make me stop and stare
But who am I to judge the color of your hair?
Surely y'all are feeling much the same as I do

We got to keep this world together
Got to keep it moving straight
Love like we mean forever
So that people can relate
If you're rolling to your left
Don't forget I'm on the right
Trust and forgive each other
A little love and we just might

Gotta do something
Gotta do something
Gotta do something

Thinking of the troubles of today
Is it easier to put that gun away
Or is it difficult to stop the world and show you care
Everything and everyone we know is beautiful
Surely you will be the guide in light to see us all
Maybe we can be the vision of a perfect man's dream

We got to keep this world together
Got to keep it moving straight
Love like we mean forever
So that people can relate
If you're rolling to your left
Don't forget I'm on the right
Trust and forgive each other
A little love and we just might

I have something
Do you have something?
Cause I have something for you
I have something
Do you have something?
Cause I have something for you
I have something
Do you have something?
Cause I have something for you
I have something for you

We got to keep this world together
Got to keep it moving straight
Love like we mean forever
So that people can relate
If you're rolling to your left
Don't forget I'm on the right
Trust and forgive each other
A little love and we just might

We got to keep this world together
Got to keep it moving straight
Love like we mean each other
So that people can relate
If you're rolling to your left
Don't forget I'm on the right
Trust and forgive each other
A little love and we just might, just might"

tonight i went to the Devil's Punchbowl and i stared up at the sky for hours, just looking at the stars. such peace and serenity cant be found anywhere else but in that perfect stillness. and yet, it isn't still. in fact, it's anything but still. the light pollution is so little there that you can easily see the belt of the Milky Way. an amazing sight. awe inspiring.

several millennia from now our sister galaxy will collide with us and at such a time, if your world is not ripped from the heavens, you would be able to see the two crossing belts. and what a sight that would be. unfortunately you would have to be on a world other than Earth, but still on the outer horizon, to get the full effect; because our sun will most likely expand into a red giant and consume our lovely little planet in the next few thousand centuries.

given the fact that from our lovely little planet we can only truly see our local cluster, and then brief glimpses of other sections of the universe with the aid of technology (the feat, however, is still rather remarkable), it is safe to assume that the universe is truly very vast. given all of that vastness, it could also be safe to assume that, given all probability, there could be other sentient, intelligent life out there. they may look nothing like us and may even be much better than, or smarter than us... or even just the opposite...

i was contemplating the story of Horton and his Whos... the Whos were unable to fully comprehend the vastness and the largeness of Horton's world. they could not fully grasp that they were, essentially, pollen. so small in comparison to what else was out there; and even on top of Horton's world, which was exponentially larger than the Whos' world, there was the great expanses beyond Horton's world that were even more so exponentially larger... what if?... what if we are the Whos? what if there is another exponentially larger world out there, beyond our universe, our little clover, and then what if there is an even larger world beyond that? another universe that is so very much larger than ours? so large that we cannot even fathom its size...

in light of all of this, and in light of the possibility that there could be other life out there in our universe, or even our galaxy... doesn't it seem that most of our problems and quarrels are petty and irrelevant? think about the movie Wall-E. think about all of the satellites in orbit... those satellites are really there, we just leave them there when we are done with them. meteorites enter our atmosphere every single day. if a meteorite hits a satellite and causes it to fall towards earth, many horrible things could happen.

now ask yourself, what would happen if we all decide that we should do something to help ourselves and to help each other on a scale that is larger than just the level of 'you cut me off' and 'she stole my boyfriend'? what do you think would happen? i, for one, think that things would end much better for us as a people, the people of Earth. if we all worked together to keep our planet alive and well, we would stay alive and well, and that means that we could focus on better things, like exploring this great expanse that we call the universe and what may be beyond it...
after all, we could be pollen...

--as always

You know that when the truth is told that you can get what you want or you can just get old...

"Vienna" by Billy Joel

"Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart
Tell me why are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right, you're right

You got your passion
You got your pride
But don't you know only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook
And disappear for a while
It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

And you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
Why don't you realize Vienna waits for you?
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?"

thanks Billy.

--as always

I write it everyday

this is more like the song of the day for yesterday, but whatever...

"The Story Of My Life" by Jon Bon Jovi

"Yesterday's a memory, another page of history
You sell yourself for hopes and dreams
That leaves you feeling sideways
Tripping over my own feet, trying to walk to my own beat
Another car out on the street trying to find the highway
Hey, are you going my way?

This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday
I know it isn't black and white
And it's anything but gray
I know that, no, I'm not alright
But I'll be ok 'cause
Anything can, everything can happen
That's the story of my life

I'm gonna write the melody that's gonna make history
Yeah, and when I paint my masterpiece
I swear I'll show you first
There just ain't a way to see who, when, why, or what will be
Til now is then it's a mystery, a blessing and a curse
Or something worse, yeah

This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday
I know it isn't black and white
And it's anything but gray
I know that, no, I'm not alright
But I'll be ok 'cause
Anything can, everything can
I've been thinking
Maybe you can help me write the story of my life
Hey, whaddaya say?

This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday
And I hope the you're by my side
When I'm writing the last page

This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday
I know it isn't black and white
And it's anything but gray
I know that, no, I'm not alright
But I'll be ok 'cause
Anything can, everything can
I've been thinking
Baby, we can!

This is the story of my life
The story of my life
The story of my life

This is the story of my life
The story of my life
This is the story of my life"

i absolutely adore Jon Bon Jovi!
i am really going to miss all of you when you go off your separate ways. we are writing the stories of our lives everyday and we are going to exciting and interesting new places! you guys are all so great, and i know that you have a great impact in my life and on the story of my life, if you will.
hanging out at Nikki's today with Woody, Paige, Grace and Sara was tons of fun and i am super excited for comic con this coming week! It's going to be amazing! such memories i will cherish for the rest of my life! :)

--as always

Where have all the ho-hos gone?

i was in the grocery store the other day and i always look for the caramel ho-hos because i would get them on the off chance that they still carry them in stock. after all, they were an integral part of my childhood. but when i was in area where the ho-hos were supposed to be, there were absolutely NO ho-hos... what's up with that?!? i mean, i can understand the lack of caramel ho-hos because they haven't had those in forever (or what seems like forever), but this time there were no ho-hos to be found whatsoever... but man, those zingers are back and popular. where did they come from and why have they ousted the ho-hos? it's not fair!

i suppose that's all i have to say on that topic...

--as always

mmm, brownies...

so i need to have the house cleaned by tomorrow, or rather, for tomorrow, which is actually today. i just like to call it 'tomorrow' because it makes me feel as if i have more time to get all of this stuff done. besides, i haven't gone to sleep yet and i dont want to feel like this night was a complete waste. ... which it wasnt, after all, i made some delicious brownies. i took the regular brownie mix and added toffee bits to it and then i poured caramel over the top of the whole thing once it was in the baking pan... the only problem is that i had to stay awake until it was done baking. which, by the way, took more than the prescribed amount of time (note to self)...

anyways, after fighting spider battles and cleaning up the war zone that was my room after IB test results and after watching 3 episodes of SGA... i am just a bit sleepy... and by just a bit, i mean i feel like i could spontaneously lose consciousness at any moment. which is entirely possible, i should know, it happened earlier today.

...anyways, all i can say is: sleep sounds pretty darn good right now.


--as always

There's no such thing as the real world

"No Such Thing" by John Mayer

""Welcome to the real world"
She said to me, condescendingly
Take a seat, take your life
Plot it out in black and white

Well I never lived the dreams
Of the prom kings and the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding up my sleeve

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
That something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls
Take the so called 'right track'
Faded white hats, grabbing credits
Maybe transfers
They read all the books
But they can't find the answers

All of our parents, they're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories, tiny tragedies

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

I am invincible
I am invincible
I am invincible
As long as I'm alive

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

I just can't wait for my ten year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for"

i never really felt like i had the 'normal' high school experience. i understand that life is not always as structured as high school and isn't as intense, by far... but still, i never really felt pressured to be something in high school. perhaps that's because i never really cared what anyone else thought, but i suppose i just felt free to be myself... if that makes any sense. i've always believed that the 'real' world is what you make it and not what somebody else tells you it is... so that's what i'm sticking to.

--as always

Reflections

it's 2 am and i have been watching Grey's Anatomy for the past two hours because:
a) it was there
b) i can't sleep
and c) i have nothing better to do
so i just finished watching the holiday episode, more specifically, the christmas episode. as the episode ends it shows three of the main characters (Izzy, Meredith, and George) laying under the christmas tree and looking up at the lights... as i watched this i thought about christmas and the holidays and my traditions and habits. (of all holidays, not just christmas)

so, here you go:

1) i lay under our tree and look up at the lights, i've done that ever since i was little... i have always considered it one of the highlights of the season.
2) i love the idea of giving gifts and being generous, but in general i hate holidays
3) i hate turkey. in fact, i hate almost everything about thanksgiving
4) i like fireworks; so automatically new year's and the 4th of July are on my good list.
5) halloween is fun; i like candy, i like dressing up in costumes and i like kids, so it's hard to go wrong
6) there's not much to say about easter... as a kid i used to love easter, but it was more for the challenge, the puzzle, of finding all the eggs... plus, what kid doesn't love an opportunity to get tons of candy?
7) i always liked st. patrick's day because when i was in grade school we would always make these little traps to catch the leprechauns... it never worked, thought... i wonder why ;p ... now the only reason i like it is because it is associated with the color green, and green is a cool color (plus, i don't dis any color but pink); i do however hate the fact that people insist on pinching you if you don't wear green... who cares!?!
8) valentine's day.... ahh. well, it has some negatives right off the bat... the whole pink bit and all... but i must admit that i like the idea of having a day designated for spending time with that special someone. i do however think that if you want to spend time with, or do something special for, that special someone, you should. no matter what day it is.
9) i hate christmas. my mother loves christmas. enough said...
jk. i guess christmas always makes me sad... i hate decorating, but i do like the lights. and the tree is ok too. but i hate all the fuss. cant people just relax and enjoy the freaking holiday? you know, sit and have a cup of hot chocolate and just relax?? seriously!
10) april fool's day has got to be one of my favorites, for obvious reasons.... pranks are just downright fun :)

holidays suck when you have to spend them with family that you don't want to be with; and rock when you spend them with friends. people get all weird around the holidays and they start to act differently, when in all honestly, we can do the things that we do on holidays on any given day of the year, but we don't...
huh.

--as always

let's talk

so i am sitting here at 1 am and i can't sleep. again. ... but it's ok. i knew this might happen so it's ok... i'm going to hawaii in the morning and i don't really care. i suppose that's the worst part of this whole thing. the not caring. i know i do care, i just don't....

the other part that sucks about all this is the deep, deep feeling... that ache that you can't get rid of and can't ignore because it's always there and always rearing it's ugly head like a headache that won't go away or a thorn in your foot that you feel every time you take a step, but you can't see so you can't remove it... that's the part i hate the most...

anyways, enough with the stupid rant that no one cares about. here's the thing: i am going away for a week and will be out of touch, and that isn't all that big of a deal. what makes this so significant is that, with what i'm going through, i am and have been feeling really lonely, i suppose... so feel free to call or text or IM me any time, day or night. no joke. i will most likely be awake or in some state of consciousness, so please, if you want to talk, talk. i'm here. and i might just need someone to talk to in order to keep me from going insane... :P

--as always

Let's waste time chasing cars

"Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol

"We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?"


One of my favorite songs... i suppose i have many of those. not much else to say.

--as always

uh, please forgive the weirdness

i would like to apologize in advance to anyone i might treat weirdly over the next, oh i don't know, month or so.

sigh

it's funny how naturally it comes after so long. i could do the math but i don't feel like it... it's the apathy, it comes with the whole shebang. that's a fun word. shebang. yeah

to tell you the truth, i've known for about two weeks now. and i find it odd that i automatically start fighting it. it's really interesting how much it's changed me. anyways, i'm rambling and it really doesn't matter. the apathy has kicked in which means that i might start treating people funny, saying weird things, talking about death, acting strange; but it's ok. i've done this many, many times.

it's good. trust me.
but i do warn you ahead of time.

coolio


--as always

Zombie Shakespeare

as per a discussion with Smity today on the effects of that awful book about shiny vampires, it has been determined that the zombie apocalypse will be an effect of said book. i went to the school today to chill and say goodbye to some of my teachers and i saw Gracie while i was there. then, when Gracie and i were passing by the band room we caught a glimpse of Smity and absolutely HAD to stop in and say hello. so after Gracie had to go and have lunch with her aunt Smity and started to discuss the awfulness of said book, which was brought about by my concern that my unknowing aunt and uncle from michigan might happen to get a copy for me as a graduation gift... blegh....

so while discussing the horrendous atrocity that is that book it was brought up that certain people are most likely rolling in there graves... ie: Shakespeare. :) i adore Shakespeare... anyways, this is what will end up happening:
Shakespeare will become so upset that he will rise from his grave, and of course he will be a zombie, and he will start attacking twilight fangirls (and fanboys). and of course, he will be moaning and what not (the way zombies do) in perfect iambic pentameter. (we then segwayed into contemplating how cool it would be to see Shakespeare as a zombie, but from a very high rooftop of from behind a very large blockade of some sort; for obvious reasons...) it has thusly been determined that zombie Shakespeare will start infecting everyone, as zombies tend to do, and that will lead to the infestation and subsequent zombie apocalypse; and all because of that awful book...

and so there you have it. the cause of the zombie apocalypse: bad literature.

--as always

Today is a good day

today is a good day

not only are we graduating today, but it is also my third spiritual birthday. the fact that i didnt have to go to school today, and the fact that i will never have to go back to QHHS unless i want to makes this day immensely better already. :) and considering all of the things going on today, better than this year's biological birthday... (no offense to those who were there)

looking back on all of it, my high school years, i am grateful i became a disciple when i did. just reflecting on my personality, there are a lot of disasters that i avoided. ... i can think of a few right now, unfortunately there is no one who knows about those things that reads this blog.... reflecting on where i was before and where i am now, i am so grateful that i made it this far; and truth be told, it wasnt easy. we all have our ups and downs

for all of you who know what it took for me to get where i am today: you know a deeper part of my past and of me than most people do... and to those of you who dont know: ask me some time, it may just surprise you.

thanks for all your love. today is going to be, and already is, great!!

--as always

More reason than most...

Well, it seems like we are all writing one of these...
but i think i will break the tradition just a bit. ;)

it seems as if i am always faced with something new and i am always forced to make a decision, and it is never really an easy decision not too long ago i wrote about choices, and i feel as if i am being forced to make another choice. (i know that the choice is and was yours dear, and i do not fault you for that. somehow i feel as if i should be a part of this choice, and i feel that there should be something i am able to do even though i know that there is not)

to the circle:
everyone seems to be saying goodbye and talking about change and things of the sort. i, however, am going to talk about something a bit different. yes we are all moving along with our lives and we will have to part from each other physically, but we are all still the same people. we will all change and go in different directions, but we will all have the circle with us no matter where we go. i have no doubt that we will all stay in touch and i have no doubt that we will continue to get together and hang out. our get togethers may not be a frequent as they are now, but we will certainly have them (and if in the future you are not part of them or do not want to be, then you are lame and do not deserve to call yourself part of the circle... that is all) i know that we will all stay friends and that we will never forget one another, and i would have it any other way. :)

many of us are going to AVC for a few years which will definitely make getting together easier for the time being, and when the time comes for us to go off to university we, i am sure, will work something else out in order for us all to stay in contact and to see each other. so, no worries.
and now for the heartfelt statement: you have all been an amazing comfort to me. i love you all. ;)

to those that are staying here and going to AVC:
i will see you over the summer and then, most likely, in class at the college... oh, and dakota, we seriously do need to take that fencing class together second semester! sooo much fun!


on a side note (a very different one) and to one who is very close to me:
where you choose to go is up to you. you have always known that just as well as i have. we were not always the best of friends, but when we became friends i loved you as a sister. i wont say that i am angry, because that would not be an accurate description, rather: disappointed. dont be bitter, bitterness will only hurt you in the end, not to mention alienate those around you. i tell you everything, and truthfully, it hurt that you lied to me. but i forgive you. i will always forgive you. ... you will be challenged greatly in these next 26 days, and i hope that you were challenged today. i know you know that i did not share everything today, but what i shared was enough for those that listened. if you take anything away from me, take the knowledge of what i have done and what i have gone through; not only then, but recently as well. if you dont want to make the same decisions i did and if you dont want to give that up (even though God knows i didnt want to) i will understand and i would not fault you for it. it is a difficult decision and i know you've seen what i've been going through. if you dont want to do that, i dont blame you. but at the same time realize the reason why i am going through all this. i made my choice.
i cant rebuild this, only you can. and if you want to leave it, that is your choice. it always has been and it always will be. one thing i ask is that you do not do anything because you feel bad or because someone tells you to. do it because you want to and for no other reason. this is the one area where being utterly selfish is acceptable, but dont do it for any other reason than you.
...i remember a time approximately 3 years ago, when i was given the privilege to be such a major part of such a major day. it meant a lot to both of us at one time... i will never forget that and i will never stop being your friend and being there for you, no matter what you choose. i want the best for you, above all... make choices for you. and remember that you will always have me as a friend.
...... this will never end, which i am sure you know, but as a 'forewarning' and to quote a good book and a good movie: "nothing ends... nothing ever ends." i will always be here either way you choose. no matter when, no matter where. thats a promise.


--as always

...

what does one do when the walls of ones life seem to be falling down? it seems to me like i've been here before. crawling out of the rubble isn't what is hard, but what if the walls cant rebuild themselves? how do i rebuild them? is it even possible? ... and of course, the answer is no, if they fall, they do it of their own accord... which is the saddest part... for all of us.

don't do this to me. you and i know the truth, but what they will say will hurt ten times more and you know it. it's not my fault if you don't talk to me....

i have nothing more to say. and this is the part where we just sit and stare at each other...

Wait, maybe the answer's looking for you

"Hold On" by Yes

"Justice to the left of you
Justice to the right
Speak when you are spoken to
But don't pretend you're right
This life's not for living
It's for fighting and for war
No matter what the truth is
Hold on to what is yours

Jigsaw puzzle traitors
Set to spill the beans
Constitution screw up
Shattering the dreams
Blood flows in the desert
Dark citadels burning too
Watch! Look over your shoulder
This one is strictly for you

Hold on, hold on
Wait, maybe the answer's looking for you
Hold on, hold on
Wait! Take your time, think it through
Yes I can make it through!
Hold on, hold on
Sunshine shine on through
Hold on, hold on
Sunshine shine on you
See it through

Talk the simple smile
Such platonic eye
How they drown in incomplete capacity
Strangest of them all
When the feeling calls
How we drown in stylistic audacity
Charge the common ground

Round and round and round
We living in gravity
Shake. We shake so hard
How we laugh so loud
When we reach we believe in eternity
I believe in eternity!

Hold on, hold on
Wait, take your time, see it through
Hold on, hold on
Wait, maybe a chance is looking for you

Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on

Sunshine shine on shine on you
Sunshine shine on through
Sunshine shine on shine on you
Sunshine shine on through

Hold on, hold on
Wait, take your time, see it through
Hold on, hold on
Wait, maybe the answer's looking for you

Sunshine shine on shine on you
Sunshine shine on through"


i like Yes... i was supposed to write this yesterday, but that didn't end well... in fact, it ended with me missing all of first and most of second period today. lol
it's ok, i'm feeling better now, not completely, but the urge to hurl is significantly diminished. :) today was interesting to say the least... and here is what made it that way:
- woke up feeling horrible
(got up a 5:30 and felt dizzy, had a head ache and almost hurled all over my floor, mom still made me go to school)
- spent a good 45 mins having breakfast with my mom
(she came into my room and woke me up at 7, because i had decided to go back to bed, and we ate a nice little breakfast together until around 8 when i went to go get ready for school. it was nice)
- got to school at the end of second period
(that was kinda cool, except for the whole nausea thing, but getting out of french was a plus)
- went into the band room/choir room for the third time this week to practice the french songs
(only this time we actually sang in front of Foley, which was interesting... he said he really liked our singing. plus, this was the first time that the whole group was together)
- had a very interesting conversation with Danny and Arian about a vast number of relatively amusing things...
(that's all i'm going to say)
and i am sure that it will continue to get better... after all, tonight is senior awards night. whoo.

:)

so, why did i pick this song? i dont know... maybe because i have been listening to Yes for a week straight now and this one just stood out to me. to me this song is all about choices and how making choices can be difficult. which i can totally relate to. plus, with all of us going off to college soon, we are all going to have to make some choices... (thats not really why i picked this song, but whatever)
Choices i am facing right now (in order from least to greatest importance):
- do i fold the laundry now, or later
- should i go wake mom up from her nap
- should i stay up late tonight
- should i wear the black pants and the green shirt or the beige pants and the yellow shirt
- should i study for my physics final
- do i offer my parents an ultimatum about where i will be living when school ends


Rhetorical question:
What choices are you facing?


--as always

Lean On Me

Adrianne, this one is for you.


"Lean On Me" by Bill Withers

"Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's
Always tomorrow

Lean on me
When you're not strong
And I'll be you're friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things
You need to borrow
For no one can fill
Those of your needs
That you won't let show

Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me
When you're not strong
And I'll be you're friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

You just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load
You have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call on me

Call me
If you need a friend
Call me
If you ever need a friend"


I love you dearly, sweetie, and you know that i would gladly help you with anything. so talk to me, pour out your heart. you know there are no judgments here, after all, you know everything i've done. even though i know you never will, never forget that i love you. you are my sister and my best friend. i am here for you, always and forever. that's a promise.


--as always

Not your father's Star Trek

Squee!!!!!

so, today was made exponentially more epic because of Star Trek!

i arrived at the theater at around 4:30 and most of those going to see it were already there just standing around. there wasn't even a queue yet. so, finally they came and set up a queue and we all sat down at the front and waited. most of us were wearing costumes and we were all just hanging out. along in there, woody and i determined that we know the circle are mega nerds because:
- most of us were wearing costumes
- we were the queue before there was a queue
- and we call it a 'queue'
a little later a guy named Alan and some of his group of friends sat down in the line, and these are people obviously past their 30's, and they commented on how we were "too young" to know what Star Trek was... and of course we scoffed at them... but they soon proved to be a rather cool group of people, probably the coolest group of people in the theater other than the circle. they sat in the row right in front of ours and had somewhere around a dozen tribbles. so cool...

the movie itself was amazing and i will most likely be fan squeeing for a week or more. it totally warrants an encore, so i am going to go see it again tomorrow... which was always the plan, but now its reaffirmed. :) overall, the circle was the loudest group in the theater and we took up an entire row, virtually end to end. the amount of concentrated amazing made most of us, or at least Jew and i, want to self implode...

there are really no words to describe the amazingness except for exeptional amounts of squeeing and the phrase "SO AMAZING!!!" repeated over and over again... they told us that if was not our father's Star Trek, and you know what?... i am totally ok with that. all i can say is: i want more please. :)

--as always *squee*

So, after finishing History Paper 3...

So, after finishing History Paper 3, i realized that i should really study up on my Canadian history. i mean i dont know anything about it, except for a bit involving the Great Depression... which is a shame because Canada is a cool place. Whoo! Go Canada!

So, i'm sitting here with a little over an hour left for the test with nothing to do, so why not use some of this extra test paper, right? After all, i didnt bring my book with me. Recollecting at my wanderings during the test, i find that the major thoughts were:
- Why is Justin wearing a pink shirt?
- this test is isnt that bad... oh look! Rascism!
- wow, some people write fast...
- 'Oh that is so not sanitary' ~ after Justin dropped a tissue on the ground and then used it
- i wish i ate breakfast
- Akk! i cant get that one line out of my head! how am i ever supposed to practice that song if i keep repeating the same line over and over again?!?
Also, i redetermined that the crazy people in the room behind the testing room REALLY amuse me... dont really know why, but i find them extremely funny.

After thinking for a bit about this, or rather, these few songs that i am going to sing with Jenna, Mia and possibly Krystina, i realized that i dont think anyone has actually heard me sing on my own, meaning really sing and not to Rock Band, since sophmore year when i sang the intro to "God Help the Outcasts" from the Hunchback of Notre Dame for Whats-Her-Face in english class... huh.

(... note to self: writing a blog on paper and then typing it up later is a bit weird...)

--as always
PS: would everyone please stop saying GL! This close to show time we do not want to take any chances! ... i might just start carrying around a block of wood... Thanks.

A fine little rant

balls.

first and final word...



my dad made dinner tonight. normally its ok when he makes dinner, if you can wrap your mind around the fact that your arteries may live a shorter life afterwords, but the thing is, he put alcohol in the sauce (we had pasta). now for anyone who knows, that was one of my things. i kinda did a lot of drinking before i got baptized, cut it in half after and then stopped all together until age 21. and i dont really do things of that sort in a small way, so when i say i stopped drinking, i mean i stopped everything, not even a taste, no drop of alcohol has touched my lips for about 2 and a half years.

i must be off my game or something (oh yeah sorry, lost game, balls) because, for some reason i didnt recognize the scent when he asked me to smell the sauce... and usually i can smell even the tiniest bit... so, suffice it to say i was a bit surprised went i tasted a red wine blend... sigh, well two and a half years gone... new count: 0
sad



on a different note: there are a few things that i find frustrating, but i think the one that i find the most frustrating is when people dont listen to anything you say because they dont think that you are competent enough to say something useful... now i'm not saying that this is the norm, but sometimes... i dont want to seem like i am complaining, because i have worked hard to get where i am now and it was working quite nicely, until it backfired... so all i am saying is that i am finding myself in a bit of a bind. finding that i need some better, less subtle, ways of showing my parents that i am fully capable of taking care of myself... that way they will let me move out.

and yes, i know that they need me, any dying person would want help, and i dont refute that... all i am asking is that i can have my own place outside of the house, not even off the property, just out of the house. that little room is big enough for one person, even two... and Adrianne, that offer is still open if i can ever get them to let me live out there, i mean it, you are welcome anytime... anyways, i think that i am going to have to try really hard to prove myself.

any ideas? anyone? Adrianne, any ideas? lately i have been overly helpful in certain areas, like doing the laundry and washing the dishes and cleaning up around the house. oh, Adrianne, my room is almost fully clean, you should see it, you'll blow your lid... lol. love ya sis.



IB tests have started, felling rather well about the english test. am pretty sure that i will do well on the history tests, need to do a final run through for math and then i should be good. the only ones that i am worried about are physics and french, and not even french that much. Nikki, i would really like your help with studying for physics, please and thank you and i will owe you one. gonna remember to wear my hat for the rest of the year, and going to try to not be late. lol never though i'd say that, i am almost never late of my own accord.



as an ending note to this fine little rant on how things have been recently:

balls.


--as always