Find my answers, leave them uncovered

"Phoenix Burn" by Alpha Rev

"I need a love that will release me
Keep me honest, keep me happy
I need a peace with understanding
Trying to find a softer landing

I need to know when I can change this
Or give it up and just embrace it
I need to find a way of letting it go
When everything falls apart

I've taken to much, given up
I am twisted, burning, breaking up
I need to find a way of letting it go
When everything falls apart

I could try, but I'd never take it
Yell and I will never be heard
You will be my Phoenix Burn
I could run, but I'd never reach it
Leave, but I might never return
You will be my Phoenix Burn

I need to push through the undiscovered
Find my answers, leave them uncovered
I want to speak out what I believe in
That love will heal us, give us our freedom

I need to know what's on the horizon
Change directions, stop the fighting
I need to find a way of letting it go
When everything falls apart

I've taken to much, given up
I am twisted, burning, breaking up
I need to find a way of letting it go
When everything falls apart

I could try, but I'd never take it
Yell and I will never be heard
You will be my Phoenix Burn

Let me burn
Let me burn

I've taken to much, given up
I am twisted, burning, breaking up
I need to find a way of letting it go
When everything falls apart

I could try, but I'd never take it
Yell and I will never be heard
You will be my Phoenix Burn
You will be my Phoenix Burn"











--as always

Deck the Halls and Folderol

well, it's the December 2nd and the day after my mother came back home... i still haven't seen her once, which is unusual. this is urning out to be a holiday season full of oddball stats. maybe she'll actually be happy this year... one can dream, right?

anyways, i assume that very shortly there will be no escape from the christmas music and the decorations. i half expect to walk out of my room one morning and see that Santa Claus has vomited christmas cheer all over my house.

but this wiil be the last of my negative holiday ranting or whatever. i have resolved to be happy and contented, or at least to try.




--as always

Rarities

The holiday season is back. This one is starting out a bit better than last year's holiday season... for one, my mother is out of town for the thanksgiving holiday, so her usual complaining and such won't be here. a peaceful holiday, what a rarity. it's just me and my dad this year, and food we like to eat, another rarity... there are other reasons that make this holiday season brighter than past ones, of course, but i'll not go into those.

Christmas is still up in the air. no idea what will be going on then. i have some ideas, but again, nothing is certain... well, some things are certain... i'm fairly sure that the entire family will be together, but where we will be for christmas is still undetermined. we'll see, i suppose.





--as always

Just hanging by a moment

Forewarning: one of the most forward posts in a while.





I'm falling in love.
which in itself is frightening for me, and to be quite honest, i'm having some trouble letting myself fall for someone. i think i'm frightened because i don't want to let someone in and then get hurt, which is silly of course because if you can't love, then you can't truly be loved... not for your core self, anyways... but i've been slowly letting myself fall for him. it's like i'm taking baby steps based on preconceived notions about men and dating and all that, and he keeps proving them wrong. proving me wrong. he's slowly rebuilding my faith that i could find what i'm looking for. so, i'm taking baby steps. i'm letting myself fall. it's frightening, but i'm doing it. i'm taking each moment as it comes, and thus my Song of the Day:



"Hanging By A Moment" by Lifehouse

"Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me, now

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you"



--as always

Everyone I know has got a reason

"Jumper" by Third Eye Blind

"I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand

The angry boy, a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don't belong
You're the first to fight
You're way too loud
You're the flash of light on the burial shroud
I know something's wrong
Well, everyone I know has got a reason
To say "put the past away"

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand

Well he's on the table and he's gonna code
And I do not think that anyone knows
What they're doing here
And your friends have left you
You've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this, and I
I want you to know
Everyone's got to face down the demons
Maybe today, you can put the past away

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand

Can you put the past away?
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
And I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
And I would understand"


it seems like i keep forgetting that everyone is different, and then i freak out. i freak out and i pull back, and i feel like a little kid who cant deal with the world, which is stupid because i can deal with the world just fine. but for some reason, i now panic. Hi, my name is Caitlin and i now have emotional shortcomings... heh.
i keep reminding myself that it's not about me because i hate being so self focused, but this one time, it really is all about me. it has nothing to do with anyone else, it's all me. i keep letting my mind trick me into thinking things, making me freak out and be the woman who's scary and damaged. how do you fix that? how do you stop your brain from telling itself things? lol for once i feel like i don't have any control over things, and no way to get control.
i feel lost, like i'm in that giant hedge maze from Harry Potter that keeps changing.

it feels good to rant.
the brain is a powerful thing and the mind is a crazy place and the truth is, everything that i described above is just one part the bigger picture. i do let the past influence me a bit too much and it is making me freak out at times. i let it get to me and then i feel like i've lost control of my life, but i haven't. i dont want to do the same things. i want to do things differently and have things turn out differently and i'm doing a pretty good job at regulating myself. the problem comes when i forget that everyone is different. i think that everyone is the same and is going to react in the same ways and want the same things and do the same things, and i freak out. i'm gonna have to work on that.


--as always

That's my childhood, man!

so for the past few weeks i have been really delving back into some of the things from my childhood, you know, tv shows and books and all... it sort of happened with the getting rid of EVERYTHING thing... anyways, there was this anime-type show that i would always get up at 5 every school day morning to watch. two half-hour shows, back to back: Zoids: Chaotic Century and Zoids: New Century Zero. they're still good. :) i can testify that i had good taste even as a little kid. :D so i've been watching these two shows on the internet for the past few weeks and then i looked them up on amazon... the one copy that they have for sale of the entire Chaotic Century series is close to $600. talk about a bullet to the heart, man. that's how much my childhood tv show is worth?! WAT!
anyways, i decided that i will look around for a less expensive version...

on the topic of getting rid of everything: i have all of this stuff, and i don't know what to do with it... it's not really important stuff, but it's stuff that i actually use. the only problem is that i don't have a place to put it. D: also, i have too many books... i didn't really think it was possible, but it's true. i have too many books for the amount of space i have... which is tragically sad.
well, off to get rid of more stuff.



--as always

down to buisness

I have officially decided that i am going to be getting rid of a lot of stuff, and i truly mean A LOT. i have determined that i don't care about most of the "stuff" i own and, quite frankly, i keep a great deal of stuff that i don't need to keep. anyways, if i come across anything that isn't total trash, i'll be sure to set it aside for either the Goodwill or someone who may perhaps want it.

in other news, my parents are going to Europe in a week or so... they are going to be in London and then in Brussels. I told them to keep their eyes open for a blue police call box. (my dad looked at me funny because he didn't understand, and my mom shook her head. lol) i think they will be gone for around two weeks, which is cool, but then i have my brother to take care of... so no sleeping in or any thing. :( oh well. lol


on a different front: BIBLE STUDIES GALORE!!! that is all. :)



--as always

There and Back Again

This weekend has been so great. I have had so much fun!

I had a date on Saturday. We went down to Fullerton to see The Hobbit, in play form! It was fantastic. The actors were great and the set was very creative. :) We were supposed to have dinner at The Spaghetti Factory before the play, but the wait was 40 minutes or more so we ended up walking around looking for a place to eat. We found one and ate a full meal each for under 10 dollars total. All in all, a great evening.

On Monday (yesterday), I went to Magic Mountain. It was super hot there, must have been over 100 degrees outside. Blegh! Anyways, I went with the campus ministry and we went on almost every major ride. We went on Roaring Rapids. It was the best decision of the day. It was like I had two bathtubs full of water dumped on me from opposite sides. When we got off the ride there was not an inch of me that was not soaked... but I wasn't hot after that. :D On the way home, there were so many great memories, mainly stupid things that were said by the people in the car... such as: "Hey! The moon is cut in half! When do we ever see the moon cut in half!?" "Umm... Once every month..." Good Times



I think we're just getting started.
--as always

Still my heart this moment

Under the category of...
Things that are new:
1) I have a kitty. He is just a baby, only about three and a half months. I named him Oliver Jack after Oliver Queen, my favorite super hero, and Jack Harkness, enough said. He is grey and fluffy and very, very loving.
(Ollie has lodgings with a friend. sorry, if you wanted to see him.)

2) I have a new favorite song. The beginning is just so hauntingly beautiful. It is also today's 'Song of the Day':

"Gorecki" by Lamb

"If I should die this very moment, I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still my heart this moment
Oh, it might burst

Could we stay right here till the end of time?
Till the Earth stops turning?
Wanna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

All this time I've loved you and never known your face
All this time I've missed you and searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

Wanna stay right here till the end of time
Till the Earth stops turning
Gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for

All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt
Was leading to this

All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt
Was leading to this

Wanna stay right here till the end of time
Till the Earth stops turning
Gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for

Wanna stay right here till the end of time
Till the Earth stops turning
Gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for

The one I've waited for"


Things that are old:
1) Mother has been out of town for quite a few weeks, but she is coming back this Tuesday (August 3rd). I have been cleaning the house for her arrival.

2) I've been watching a lot of Torchwood. I love that show. I can't wait for the new season to come out. :D

Things that happened this weekend:
1) My dad and I took a trip to San Luis Obispo to visit the Cal Poly campus. I fell in love with that town. Not only do they have great places to eat and a few classic pubs, but they also have the greatest comic book/movies and music/gaming store that I have ever seen.

That picture is of just one of their comic book rows. To my right you can see the movies section where most all of the movies are under $10. On the other side of this rack are more comic books and then various board games. Through the door that is behind me, and by the movies, you can find the CDs and the video games and computer games. If you go behind the CDs and up the stairs you will find the LPs and in a separate room up there you can find and look through all their back issue comics, some of which are from the 80s. They also sell various electronics.
The campus was nice, we went through it so fast I would like another chance to take a good long look at it. The air there smells like San Diego air smells... makes me think 'home.' The campus is very green and VERY engineering focused, but I already knew that. There is this great little side path that goes along a creek that students can walk down (or the like). It breaks off and goes either several hills or over to the plots of several student architecture projects. Very cool to look at.

2) We stayed at a friend's house just north of SLO and we went to the Cinemas in
Paso Robles, but before we went, we stopped into the most amazing candy shop I've seen in a good long time. Walking into this candy shop was like walking into the candy shop in the beginning of Charlie And The Chocolate Factory... only this one was larger...

A good weekend. :)



--as always

It surely means that I don't know

"Carry On Wayward Son" by Kansas

"Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high

Though my eyes could see, I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think, I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man
It surely means that I don't know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more, no

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life's no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry
Don't you cry no more, no more"






--as always

The board is set, the pieces are moving...

Well, mom has just gone to Michigan and shall be gone for over a month. Daddy and Matt will be leaving fairly soon as well, and then I shall be all on my own. This is the part I look forward to: being able to do things the way that I want to. It happens so rarely... I love it when I get that chance. There's no struggling with the feeling of things being illogical, there's no issues with when and/or how things get done, they just get done. I'm always so relaxed when I have the house to myself; it seems so comforting somehow.

I'm looking forward to going out whenever I want and coming back home whenever I want. Making plans, going to see movies, staying out all day or all night. (not that there is much to do in the AV at night...) I have so many things I want to do. Quite an eventful summer I have planned. :)


--as always

And I can see that I'm not blind

"Good Intentions" by Toad and the Wet Sprocket

"It's hard to rely on my good intentions
When my head's full of things that I can't mention
It seems I usually get things right
But I can't understand what I did last night

It's hard to rely on my own good senses
When miss so much that requires attention
I have to laugh at myself sometimes
And I can see that I'm not blind

There's little relief
Give us reprieve, oh
For all the things I've left behind
I'm positive that I'm not blind

I'm not afraid things won't get better
But it feels like this has gone on forever
You have to cry with your own blue tears
Have to laugh with your own good cheer

And it's hard to rely on my good intentions
When my head's full of things that I can't mention
It seems I usually get things right
But I can't understand what I did last night

There's little relief
Give us reprieve, oh
Imagining the world outside
I'm positive that I'm not blind

I can't be hard on you
'Cause you know I've been there too
Learned a lot of things from you

But life gives little release
Give us reprieve, oh
And when everyone is cold as ice
I clench my fists and close my eyes
Imagining the world outside
And I can see that I'm not blind"



To be able to see all the color in life is an ability that is fast becoming extinct. Even though we all do things that we later think "Why did I do that?" and we all make mistakes, those little things are what make life so interesting and so special. Those things and those times are what help us to know that we are alive.


~~~


Went to lunch with Nikki today. Tons of fun. :)
We were at Mahli's and they were playing very progressive Indian music videos and there was this one video where this couple was practically having sex on this platform/spa/bed thing in a jungle and then the camera panned up to reveal Batman. Nikki and I both had a good laugh. Then there was ice cream at the new gelato place and more fun times.



My dad and I are having a fun filled weekend. we are having a movie marathon. it's gonna be tons and tons of fun.... and also very expensive... oh well. :)




--as always

Then why are you crying?

This latest Doctor Who episode really got me thinking about the human psyche and about how complex it is, and maybe Freud really wasn't such a nut.... anyways, it got me thinking about people. Society these days is so unforgiving, and we as individuals are very hard on ourselves... There was this bit in the episode where Vincent and Amy are talking; it goes as follows:
Vincent: ... If Amy Pond can soldier on then so can Vincent Van Gogh.
Amy: I'm not 'soldiering on,' I'm fine.
Vincent: Oh Amy, I hear the song of your sadness. You've lost someone, I think.
Amy: I'm not sad
Vincent: Then why are you crying?
Amy then wipes a tear from her face.

I think that what was said there is a very true reflection of what really happens to some people, the strong people... the people that you always see holding up under the pressure and always offering help to others, the ones that you never see cry. I know that in Doctor Who there are special circumstances surrounding Amy's sadness and her loss of understanding of why she is sad, but i do wonder. I wonder if it is possible for someone to be truly sad but not to really know it. Maybe someone who is so accustomed to being strong and solid as a rock that their psyche tricks them into thinking that they are not really hurt or sad when something happens to them, or in their life. Someone who is so accustomed to being someone else's shoulder that they don't know how to need a shoulder. I think it is possible for someone to cry about something without knowing what it is they are crying about. Maybe there are just some things that hurt so much, too much... so much that our psyche pushes the pain into our subconscious where we don't really know about it. Maybe Freud wasn't such a nut...


--as always

We're not that different after all

"The Minnow And The Trout" by A Fine Frenzy

"Help me out,
Said the minnow to the trout
I was lost and found
Myself swimming in your mouth
Oh, help me chief,
I got plans for you and me
I swear upon this riverbed
I'll help you feel young again

Oh, not your everyday circumstance
The hummingbird
Taking coffee with the ants
And I said

Please, I know that we're different
But we were one cell in the sea in the beginning
And what we're made of was all the same once
We're not that different after all

Help me up, said the eagle to the duck
I've fallen from my nest so high above
Oh, help me fly
I am too afraid to try
Now saddled with a fear of heights
I'm praying you can set me right

Oh, not your everyday circumstance
The elephant
Sharing peanuts with the rats
And I said

Please, I know that we're different
But we were one cell in the sea in the beginning
And what we're made of was all the same once
We're not that different after all

We are tied in history
Wide-connected like a family
We are tied in history
Wide-connected like a family, a family

So, please, I know that we're different
But we were one cell in the sea in the beginning
And what we're made of was all the same
Was all the same
We're not that different after all"



Be kind to your neighbor.




--as always

Feel free to feed my turtles

Ok, first things first: three reviews for today because "why not" and 'i feel like it'


[X] The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon
A very interesting book. i rather liked it and i would say that i found it rather enjoyable. it had some very interesting twists and i really enjoyed the psychology of the whole book, with the main character being autistic and all. i would definitely recommend it to anyone (over the age of 12...)

[X] The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
one of my personal favorites. such a tragic and well writ story. i could bore you to death with all the symbolism and the references to religion and fate and the meaning of existence... but i wont. but still, you should read it. :D maybe i'll post a detailed book review just for The Great Gatsby...

[X] The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
another one of my personal favorites, even though i hate two of the main characters at several times throughout the story... but that's what makes it a great book, right? it's dynamic. anyways, i love this book because its a tail of success through perseverance and will power. also, it's set in England, which is always a plus.




And, second things second: turtles!

i have two turtles on my blog page now, just because. for grins and giggles. i have named them Benny and Joon. the darker one is Benny and the lighter one is Joon. feel free to feed them or whatever if you want to, if your fancy tends toward the crazy. :)
and for the record: yes, i do know that they are not real... but they are cute, and they try to run away from you when you put the cursor over their backs... but i do know that they aren't real.... so...



anyways,
--as always

such weird dreams...

i have some weird dreams...

last night i had a dream where i was crushing soda cans with my hands and then the cans were re-inflating themselves... like balloons, or jumping houses (which, now that i think about it, are really just very large balloons)... i even tried stepping on them and they just felt like those little squishy things that you squeeze to relieve stress... D:


... i wonder what Freud would say about that dream...







--as always

books, books, books...

[ ] A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
[ ] A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
[ ] A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
[ ] A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
[ ] A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
[ ] A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
[ ] A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
[ ] Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
[ ] Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
[ ] Animal Farm - George Orwell
[ ] Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
[ ] Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
[ ] Atonement - Ian McEwan
[ ] Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
[ ] Bleak House - Charles Dickens
[ ] Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
[ ] Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
[ ] Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
[ ] Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
[ ] Catcher in the Rye - J. D. Salinger
[ ] Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
[ ] Charlotte’s Web - EB White
[ ] Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
[ ] Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
[ ] Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
[ ] Complete Works of Shakespeare
[ ] Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
[ ] Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
[ ] David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
[ ] Dracula - Bram Stoker
[ ] Dune - Frank Herbert
[ ] Emma - Jane Austen
[ ] Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
[ ] Germinal - Emile Zola
[ ] Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
[ ] Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
[ ] Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
[ ] Hamlet - William Shakespeare
[ ] Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
[ ] Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
[ ] His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
[ ] Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
[ ] Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
[ ] Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
[ ] Life of Pi - Yann Martel
[ ] Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
[ ] Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
[ ] Lord of the Flies - William Golding
[ ] Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
[ ] Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
[ ] Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
[ ] Middlemarch - George Eliot
[ ] Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
[ ] Moby Dick - Herman Melville
[ ] Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
[ ] Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
[ ] Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
[ ] Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
[ ] On The Road - Jack Kerouac
[ ] One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
[ ] Persuasion - Jane Austen
[ ] Possession - AS Byatt
[ ] Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
[ ] Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
[ ] Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
[ ] Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
[ ] Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
[ ] The Bible
[ ] The Color Purple - Alice Walker
[ ] The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon
[ ] The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
[ ] The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
[ ] The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
[ ] The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
[X] The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
[ ] The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
[ ] The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
[ ] The Inferno – Dante
[ ] The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
[ ] The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
[ ] The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
[ ] The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
[ ] The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
[ ] The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
[ ] The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
[ ] The Secret History - Donna Tartt
[ ] The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
[ ] The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
[ ] The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
[ ] The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
[ ] The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
[ ] The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
[ ] To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
[ ] Ulysses - James Joyce
[ ] Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
[ ] War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
[ ] Watership Down - Richard Adams
[ ] Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
[ ] Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte


Three reviews for today:

[X] Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Overall not a horrible book. it had so many complex elements running through it and it touched on so many issues of that time period and some from any time period. i totally think that it should be a book for seniors instead of freshmen, but that's just me... i really liked this book, even though it had it's dull moments and its really dark moments. it had several great sociological commentaries that i really appreciated and it kept the suspense and feeling of the unknown until the very end. overall, i would say that it was very well writ and i would probably read it again.


[X] Life of Pi - Yann Martel
ummm.... yeah. this book. i personally hated this book. i thought it was pointless and confusing. i mean, what was the deal with the tiger? basically i view this book as the boring account of a boy and his adventures with religion and acid. end of story.


[X] Hamlet - William Shakespeare
A great classic. despite the well know saying about the monkeys, i truly believe that Hamlet was a brilliant play by Shakespeare. deceit, intrigue, so many complex personalities... Rosencrantz and Guildenstern... when looking at this play i think that there are several things that need to be taken into consideration; such as the loss of Hamnet, Shakespeare's son, the plague, the changing views of society. anyways, i think that the loss of Hamnet is probably the most important considering that he was Shakespeare's only son. when you look at the play and then you look at that event in Shakespeare's life, it's not too hard to see that there is a connection in the feeling of turmoil. just saying. anyways, great play



--as always

in advance

i have anger issues. its so hard to control sometimes... so very hard...

i have contemplated going and purchasing breakables, and a bat... something like teacups, or glass vases, maybe from the goodwill so that they are not expensive and a baseball bat to hit them with. i'd have to clean up all the glass though... hmm. i still think it would be worth it.



time passes so swiftly. sometimes i hardly feel that any time has passed at all, and other times it feels as if time passes by incredibly slow. it's hard to believe that that much time has passed, and yet, it hasn't.... a short period. four months. that's all i get for now. just four months.

.....

so. right. i apologise in advance, for any rude, snide, sarcastic or cynical comments that are hurtful. i don't really mean it, usually... i don't really mean it. i apologise in advance for being short tempered and snappish, or for being quiet and uninvolved. also, i apologise if i seem uninterested or if i seem like i am just trying to get to the next thing on my list.
i'm sorry.


welcome the darkness.


--as always

And it feels like it should today

Welcome, month of May. i wonder what you have in store for me...
April wasn't all that great....

i'm liking the warmer weather, it's nice. it means that i can actually wear most of my wardrobe, which makes me happy. :D <---- see, happy.

anyways,
a song for May:

"Rain On" by Woods

"Wasting time, Annie
Knew you could
Breaking ties, while they
Thought he should

Out of line, but the damage is done
Doing fine, under a setting sun

And it feels like it should today
Falling back on a better place
You wouldn't hide awhile
If you knew it for two more days

I won't shovel through
All the shame that led me too
You wouldn't pass it off

I wouldn't hide the face
Take it back from anywhere
Oh, just to take it off
Falling back, but he's not there

How the days will rain on you
Oh, how the days will rain on you

And it feels like it should today
Falling back on a better place
You wouldn't hide awhile
If you knew it for two more days

I won't shovel through
All the shame that led me too
You wouldn't pass it of

How the days will rain on you
Oh, how the days will rain on you
Oh, how the days will rain on you
Oh, how the days will rain on you"



my sunglasses broke today. i need to go find new ones... i think i'll go in the morning, before class. and maybe after class too, if i don't find any in the morning.


What a week on the run this will be...

--as always

one day...

once upon a time, in a land far, far away...

weeelll.... once upon a time, sure, once upon a time in french class in junior or senior year. i cant really remember, but i'm pretty sure that it was senior year, but i could be wrong.... i don't know. like i said, i don't remember...

anyways, Madame Andrews asked us to write about something that we regretted, or regrets that we had, something we wish we had not done or something that we wish did not happen: regrets. and so, everyone started writing. writing about that time when they did this silly thing, or stole that, or their parents got a divorce, or whatever... but everyone was writing and looking up words in the dictionary.... everyone except me.

i don't have any regrets, not a single thing, and i told Madame this, or said something to that effect and she said the most peculiar thing.... she said "everyone has regrets" well then, Madame, who are you to decide what is and what isn't?? people can live without regrets. i do every day of my life; and no one can tell me that i will one day have regrets or i will one day do something that i wish i hadn't.

one day. one day? i may be young, but i'm no stranger to life changing decisions, or stupid choices... i once almost killed myself, i don't regret it. i once almost walked away from the greatest thing that ever happened in my life, don't regret that either. fell in love.... watched people die... let people go... held on to others... why should i regret the things that shape my life and make me who i am??

i couldn't.... i don't.

Madame didn't believe me... i guess some people are too stuck in their ways, too caught up in their closed little worlds... i didn't do the assignment. why should i lie? i don't regret it.

--as always

And who's to say that it's not right

"Hundred" by The Fray

"The how I can't recall

Now I'm staring at what once was the wall

That separated East and West

And now they meet amidst the broad daylight

So this is where you are

And this is where I am

Somewhere between unsure

And a hundred

It's hard, I must confess

Now I'm banking on the rest to clear away

Cause we have spoken everything

Everything short of I love

You right where you are

From right where I am

Somewhere between unsure

And a hundred

Somewhere between unsure

And a hundred

And who's to say it's wrong?

And who's to say that it's not right

Where we should be for now?

So this is where you are

And this is where I am

So this is where you are

And this is where I've been

And this is where I've been

Somewhere between unsure

And a hundred"

--as always

"...it was a bad day, bad things happened..."

Spring break was..... well, not that much of a break. Magic Mountain was fun, though. the only real break i got this past week... i cant really remember what i did in the mornings... oh wait, yes i do. i was sleeping. but that's only because i didnt go to sleep until 5 each morning. i'd stay up all night and go to sleep around 5, and then i'd wake up around 10. after that i'd eat and get dressed and whatever else, then i'd watch stargate or do something until i went to work. fun stuff.

this week went pretty well, actually, until i took some advice about 'getting more sleep'... no, that wasnt it. it was... "get yourself on a 'normal' sleep pattern"... yeah.... followed that advice on thursday night. the next morning i slept through my alarm, and was 'late' to work (except for that i cant really be 'late')... missed a few more things that day, including bible talk, because i was distracted and whatnot. thought maybe it was a fluke and so i went to bed at a 'normal' time again that night. slept through the alarm again on saturday morning. all the plans that i had for the morning had to be scrubbed and/or pushed back. i still managed to do all that i wanted to, but it took me a bit longer because i felt disoriented. under the philosophy of "third times the charm" i went to bed at a 'normal' time again last night. slept through my alarm again and when i woke up it was 10:30 and i was late to church. still felt disoriented and i had trouble focusing. left my wallet at home and there were other things that i forgot to do...

anyways... i think i've given that advice a fair shot. didnt work out so well. besides, who said that my sleep pattern was irregular? and 'normal' is subjective.... i'll go to sleep when i want to. it works out quite well for me, thank you very much.

Goodbye spring break...

--as always

now it's morning

good morning all, whoever 'all' is...

so... i realized, between shots of Mountain Dew, that my house gets very cold at night and also that i have become very efficient. cool beans.

the carbonation in the mountain dew is gone now.... this makes me sad.

i watched The Eleventh Hour episode of Doctor Who. i must say, i approve of Matt Smith, although i wish that he would choose a regular tie over the bow tie. i sort of feel sad that they replaced EVERYTHING. Matt Smith got a new everything: sonic screwdriver, wardrobe (even though that was a given), TARDIS, lady friend, theme song, logo.... new everything. what's up with that? not all of it is bad, it's just... new.

anyways, looking forward to today... i guess.

--as always

On the subject of Dreams

Not 'hopes and dreams' dreams but dreams from when you are sleeping. (just to clarify)

reasons why i hate dreaming/dreams:

- my dreams are crazy weird and consist of one random thing after another put into some sort of 'maybe this could be logical' sequence

- my brain gets all confuzzled right when i wake up and i am not always sure if what i am remembering actually happened or not

- my dreams are almost always very vivid and have strong emotions attached to them, so when i wake up, my body sometimes has random hormone fluctuations. usually high levels epinephrine

the thing i hate the most is when i have a dream where someone dies, or something bad happens and then i wake up and i can hardly breathe and then i cant go back to sleep because my body is coursing with adrenaline... that happens to me a lot these days...

reasons why i like dreaming (it only seemed fair):

- sometimes i find my dreams quite humorous, when i absolutely know that they are dreams...

anyways... i gotta get up early tomorrow...

--as always

for the lulz

I write poetry, sometimes, which is news to most of you, if not all of you...
this one i am posting because i had my best friend choose ten words from that list of 200 words that Mr. House gave to us in 11th grade. i then wrote a poem with those ten words in it.
so here it is:



The Passage of Time

Straying out of thought and time,
The limitless expanse lying cold and bare before.
The silver film of reality rolled back
And all is silence.

Straying and drifting, all of time in one ––
Space but clay in the hands of the mason.
A fever and a passion for the work at hand;
The beauty of a creation come to life,
Such a beauty that is only known once.
Its fleeting existence like a rose in the sun,
Here today and tomorrow wilted.

And yet there is hope for something far improved,
More beautiful and radiant by far.
Existence remolded, reshaped and reborn.
This plane made new.
Not more of want or need.
The useless things of this world behind.
The fifteen minutes of fame
And the boxes of meaningless things;
Houses laid out in rows and streets of black gold.
What more use is there for that?
For law and rule, for toil and strife?

Gone. Gone and far away.
Nearer to that desolate and bereft planet
Never would I wish to be.
Here instead, laughing anew and joy withal,
Pleasure that could not be found before.
Not more that I want save that -
To stand in the light transformed.






--as always

The people that you knew

the things that touch us through out our lives... very strange indeed, the things that we remember; things that are said, things that we do, or others do... the people we meet, or fall in love with, or the people that die, or the person that you pass all the time but never really speak to...

it's funny how something so minute can change the course of one's life. some might even be so bold as to call it strange, but for me: it is not so strange. my life has turned on a dime before. someone has said something and their words strike me like a baseball bat, or maybe it's the way that someone acts, or the presence a person has... something that i admire, or despise. these things can change the way i perceive myself, or the way that i wish others to perceive me.

have you ever been just sitting somewhere and been thinking, dwelling on some random event, or ruminating on things gone past... when out of seemingly no where, something that someone once said enters your mind? or maybe it's the way that someone acted, a look they gave you, a smile, a raise of the eyebrow... a turn of phrase that was unique to that person, or a cunning and sarcastic comment... sometimes these things happen to me. i don't always have to be thinking about anything, sometimes a random memory is triggered by the smallest of things.

recently it has been small things, odd things... from people who were, or are, barely part of my life. a girl who sat behind me in art history class, a look given to me by a coworker, something i used to do as a child...

it's hard to know how the people that you encounter are going to affect you, even if it's just something that they say...


--as always

In the end

Well, lots of changes are going on... i suppose you could call it that: changes. i decided i hate my handwriting, so i chose something new, something different and better.

someone, in essence, told me that i don't talk about things (my day/week, myself, life... etc) or talk much at all, really.... now that i think about it... so i am going to try very hard... very very hard.... because i find it so very difficult to share things. but i will make a conscious effort, both in typed from and in vocal form to share.

i have a job that i am settling into. i am trying to balance home life and work life and personal life and church and school and sleep (when i can find it)... it's been quite a chore... but i think i've mostly got the hang of it. just give me one more week and i think i'll have it down.

i think that i use too much slang... i shall be trying to use better words (if you will) in my speech... i don't know how long this will last... but i'm going to try. if it bothers you, let me know.



now, to matters of state:
my room is an absolute wreck because i have not been home and/or awake for more than two hours at any given moment on any given day for a week; and one of those two hours is spent at dinner or working on homework... but not to worry, because tonight i am not going to sleep and i shall right the whole situation.

in other news, i was looking at my keyboard and i realized that i only press the space bar with my right thumb. this has caused a smooth spot to form from wear on the space bar in the particular spot where my thumb usually rests or hits. i found this amusing, but not surprising.


Well, i cant promise that what i say won't be boring, and the content or how i say it might be cryptic (that's just my nature), but i can say that i will make a conscious effort to communicate more. and in the end, it's the thought that counts, right?



--as always

there must be something wrong with me

there must be something wrong with me...
maybe i should stop drinking Mountain Dew when i dont need to...

people must think i'm nuts... good thing i dont live on a busy street... or maybe its not a good thing...

i feel like i almost never sleep anymore.

on the up-side, i've had a lot of time to clean... not that i really have, but its the thought that counts, right?
maybe i should read a book... after all, i did go and get a whole bunch of new books today from Barnes and Noble. :)
i do so love books



watched a B-movie today... it was one of the worst movies i have ever seen... complete with tons and tons of racial cliches.... i had a hearty lol at the horrid-ness and ate popcorn. :)


...
...
...
why am i still awake??
and... i'm all out of open Mountain Dew... D:


--as always

The luck of the Irish

so... today is St. Patrick's day, for all of you who didn't know. but with all of the green, it's hard not to know...

background story:
conversations were had and discussions of happiness and/or involvement and/or "why do you hate holidays?" ensued...

today:
decided to take a chance, embrace a holiday, have fun with it...
wore green, smiled, spoke in an Irish accent (why not, right), ended up only using the accent for half the day...



decision:
...........screw that.
holiday's suck. i don't really want to be that involved. i don't like or look good in holiday themed clothes, nor do i ever want to wear holiday themed clothes (not like i own any...)
also, i didn't feel any happier...
taking chances has seemed to have a large downside for me this past year... huh. go figure




--as always

I just haven't met you yet

"Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble

"I'm not surprised not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times
I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work
So we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid
That I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work
So we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid
I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair in love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

You know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work
So we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet

Promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get

(I said love, love, love, love)
(love, love, love, love)
I just haven't met you yet
(love, love, love, love)
(love, love, love, love)


I just haven't met you yet"




This is one of my favorite Michael Buble songs.
Also- i think he might be irish...


--as always

Happy March

happy march, everyone. the wonderful month of the color green, and the start of spring.

the weather has been fantastic these past few days (well, except for that day with all the rain) and i cant wait to break out my shorts and my skirts. :)

maybe this month has more in store for me than i had originally thought. i guess we'll just have to find out.


--as always

God makes no mistakes

"Welcome To Wherever You Are" by Bon Jovi

"Maybe we're all different
But we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden
Running through our veins
I know sometimes
It's hard for you to see
You come between just who you are
And who you want to be

If you feel alone and lost and need a friend
Remember, every new beginning
Is some beginning's end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life
You've made it this far
Welcome, you've got to believe
That right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody's in
And you're left out
And you feel you're drowning
In a shadow of a doubt
Everyone's a miracle
In their own way
Just listen to yourself
Not what other people say

When it seems you're lost, alone and feeling down
Remember, everybody's different
Just take a look around

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life
You've made it this far
Welcome, you've got to believe
That right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be

Be who you want to be
Be who you are
Everyone's a hero
Everyone's a star

When you want to give up
And your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect
God makes no mistakes

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life
You've made it this far
Welcome, you've got to believe
Right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are"



Believe. Do. Change.
--as always

I recommend biting off more than you can chew

"You Learn" by Alanis Morissette

"I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live, you learn
You love, you learn
You cry, you learn
You lose, you learn
You bleed, you learn
You scream, you learn

I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live, you learn
You love, you learn
You cry, you learn
You lose, you learn
You bleed, you learn
You scream, you learn

Wear it out (the way a three year old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live, you learn
You love, you learn
You cry, you learn
You lose, you learn
You bleed, you learn
You scream, you learn

You grieve, you learn
You choke, you learn
You laugh, you learn
You choose, you learn
You pray, you learn
You ask, you learn
You live, you learn"



Dream.
--as always

I don't go there cause I don't want to

"Back 2 Good" by Matchbox 20

"(Not normal)
(Not normal, no)
(Not normal)

It's nothing,
It's so normal
You just stand there
I could say so much
But I don't go there
Cause I don't want to

I was thinking if
You were lonely
Maybe we could leave here
And no one would know
At least not to the point
That we would think so

And everyone here knows everyone here
Is thinking about somebody else
Well, it's best if we all keep this under our heads
But I couldn't tell if anyone here
Was feeling the way I do
Well, I'm lonely now
And I don't know how
To get it back to good

(Not normal)
(Not normal, no)
(Not normal)

This don't mean that
You own me
Well, this ain't no good
In fact, it's phony as hell
But things work out
Just like you wanted too

If you see me out
You don't know me
Try to turn your head
Try to give me some room
To figure out
Just what I'm going to do

Cause everyone here hates everyone here
For doing just like they do
And it's best if we all keep this quiet instead
And I couldn't tell why everyone here
Was doing me like they do
But I'm sorry now
And I don't know how
To get it back to good

(Not normal)
(Not normal, no)
(Not normal)

Well everyone here is wondering what it's like
To be with somebody else
And everyone here's to blame
And everyone here gets caught up
In the pleasure of the pain
Well, everyone here hides
Shades of shame
But looking inside we're the same
We're the same
We're all grown now
But we don't know how
To get it back to good

(Not normal)
(Not normal, no)
(Not normal)

Well everyone here knows everyone here
Is thinking about somebody else
And it's best if we all keep this under our heads
See, I couldn't tell now, if anyone here
Was feeling the way I do
Well, it's over now
And I don't know how
Guess it's over now
There's no getting back to good

(Not normal)
(Not normal, no)
(Not normal)

(Not normal)
(Not normal)
(Not normal)"



Cope.
--as always

And the wheels keep spinning 'round

"I Need Some Sleep" by Eels

"I need some sleep
It can't go on like this
I tried counting sheep
But there's one I always miss

Everyone says I'm getting down too low
Everyone says 'you just gotta let it go'
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

I need some sleep
Time to put the old horse down
I'm in too deep
And the wheels keep spinning 'round

Everyone says I'm getting down too low
Everyone says 'you just gotta let it go'
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
Just gotta let it go"



Remember.
--as always

People speak of love

"In The Shape Of A Heart" by Jackson Browne

"It was a ruby that she wore
On a chain around her neck
In the shape of a heart
In the shape of a heart
It was a time I won't forget
For the sorrow and regret
And the shape of a heart
And the shape of a heart

I guess I never knew
What she was talking about
I guess I never knew
What she was living without

People speak of love
Don't know what they're thinking of
Wait around for the one
Who fits just like a glove
Speak in terms of belief and belonging
Try to fit some name to their longing

People speak of love

There was a hole left in the wall
From some ancient fight
About the size of a fist
Or something thrown that had missed
And there were other holes as well
In the house where our nights fell
Far too many to repair
In the time that we were there

People speak of love
Don't know what they're thinking of
Reach out to each other
Through the push and shove
Speak in terms of a life and the learning
Try to think of a word for the burning

You keep it up
You try so hard
To keep a life from coming apart
And never know
What breaches and faults are concealed
In the shape of a heart
In the shape of a heart
In the shape of a heart

It was the ruby that she wore
On a stand beside the bed
In the hour before dawn
When I knew she was gone
And I held it in my hand
For a little while
And dropped it into the wall
Let it go and heard it fall

I...
I guess I never knew
What she was talking about
I guess I never knew
What she was living without

People speak of love
Don't know what they're thinking of
Wait around for the one
Who fits just like a glove
Speak in terms of a life and the living
Try to find the word for forgiving

You keep it up
You try so hard
To keep a life from coming apart
And never know
The shallows and the unseen reefs
That are there from the start
In the shape of a heart
In the shape of a heart

In the shape of a heart
In the shape of a heart
In the shape of a heart"



Dance.
--as always

More a fool who's not afraid of rejection

"Sleeping With The Television On" by Billy Joel

"I've been watching you waltz all night, Diane
Nobody's found a way behind your defenses
They never notice the zap gun in your hand
Until you're pointing it and stunning their senses

All night long, all night long
You'll shoot 'em down because
You're waiting for somebody good to come on
(All night long, all night long)
But you'll be sleeping with the television on

You say you're looking for someone solid here
You can't be bothered with those just-for-the-night boys
Tonight unless you take some kind of chances, dear
Tomorrow morning you'll wake up with the white noise

All night long, all night long
You're only standing there
Cause somebody once did somebody wrong
(All night long, all night long)
But you'll be sleeping with the television on

Your eyes are saying 'talk to me' (talk to me)
But your attitude is 'don't waste my time'
(Your eyes are saying talk to me, talk to me)
But you won't hear a word cause
It just might be the same old line

This isn't easy for me to say, Diane
I know you don't need anybody's protection
I really wish I was less of a thinking man
And more a fool who's not afraid of rejection

All night long, all night long
I'll just be standing here cause
I know I don't have the guts to come on
(All night long, all night long)
And I'll be sleeping with the television on

Your eyes are saying 'talk to me' (talk to me)
But my attitude is 'boy, don't waste your time'
(Your eyes are saying talk to me, talk to me)
But I won't say a word cause
It just might be somebody else's same old line

All night long, all night long
We'll just be standing here
Cause somebody might do somebody wrong
(All night long, all night long)
And we'll be sleeping with the television on
Sleeping with the television
Sleeping with the television
Sleeping with the television on

Sleeping with the television on"



Strength.
--as always

Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud

"Someday" by Rob Thomas

"You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way
To make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on
When all you want to do is cry

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better
Now that maybe someday
We'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

Now wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away
Then maybe you can change your mind
You can run
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light
On everything around you
Man, it's good to be someone

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better
Now that maybe someday
We'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

And I don't want to wait
I just want to know
I just want to hear you tell me
So, give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

Cause maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better
Now that maybe someday
We'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again

Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again"



Calm.
--as always

I'm so smart, too bad I can't get anything figured out

A Week of Songs

i'm starting a week of songs. one song a day for a week.
... maybe we'll make it an 8 day week...




"Falling For The First Time" by Barenaked Ladies

"I'm so cool, too bad I'm a loser
I'm so smart, too bad I can't get anything figured out
I'm so brave, too bad I'm a baby
I'm so fly, that's probably why it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

I'm so green, it's really amazing
I'm so clean, too bad I can't get all the dirt off of me
I'm so sane, it's driving me crazy
It's so strange, I can't believe it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

Anyone perfect must be lying
Anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely
Anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction?
What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection?
Maybe the worst is behind
It feels just like I'm falling for the first time
It feels just like I'm falling for the first time

I'm so chill, no wonder it's freezing
I'm so still, I just can't keep my fingers out of anything
I'm so thrilled to finally be failing
I'm so done, turn me over cause it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

Anything plain can be lovely
Anything loved can be lost
Maybe I lost my direction
What if our love is the cost?
Anyone perfect must be lying
Anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely
Anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction?
What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection?
Maybe the worst is behind"



Breathe.
--as always

Valentine's day

Valentine's day has an odd connotation for me... i don't think that i have had a 'good,' or non-awkward, Valentine's day in several years. the last good Valentine's day that i can remember was when i was a little kid and i was out looking for plastic eggs full of candy.

yesterday i went to a Valentine's dance with the campus ministries from our churches in the area. it was fun. i danced and all... the conversations i had with my date made me a bit sad, though. we both agreed that we don't have an interest in anyone in our church at the moment and we both agreed, upon looking at all the couples, that we didn't think that a relationship with someone who didn't want to leave the valley was not a great idea.

not only do i agree with all of these things that we spoke of, but i am not ready for a relationship still. plus, my life is so complicated right now. almost beyond belief... i'm just trying to keep my head above water. i've been having these dreams about drowning...or dreams with lots of water, anyways... i've been avoiding sleep because of them. power naps have become my friends.

i spent today down in Long Beach. i guess it was better than being at home. another Valentine's day spent with my parents... at least this year it wasn't a date. lol



for all of you who hope. remember: breathe

--as always

lol. wut?

why does life have to be so complicated? why can't i just go somewhere and be a hermit...?
I've been considering, or rather reconsidering, all of my options for living or providing for living. i'm getting conflicting information from my folks. my parents are concerned that i wont be able to balance things... i know i can. heck, what was IB if not the ultimate test to see if you can balance things??
my mother is also being a walking contradiction right now... she says that she wants me to show initiative and get a job and be self sufficient; and then she says that she doesn't want me to get a job because if i make too much money, she won't be able to claim me as a dependent on their taxes... and she NEEDS to claim me as a dependent... life sucks...
anyways... i'm thinking that i might join the military after i get my college degree. must investigate further... i'm also trying to move out but i dont want to leave on bad terms with my family. why does life have to be so complicated?

It was worth it just to learn some sleight-of-hand

"Float On" by Modest Mouse

"I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off, sometimes life's okay
I ran my mouth off a bit too much
Oh, what did I say?
Well you just laughed it off, it was all okay

And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on anyway, well

A fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam
It was worth it just to learn some sleight-of-hand
Bad news comes, don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on exactly the same day
Well we'll float on, good news is on the way

And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on okay
And we'll all float on alright
Already, we'll all float on
No, don't you worry, we'll all float on
Alright already, we'll all float on
Alright, don't worry, we'll all float on

And we'll all float on alright
Already, we'll all float on
Alright, don't worry
Even if if things end up a bit too heavy
We'll all float on
Alright already, we'll all float on
Alright already, we'll all float on okay
Don't worry, we'll all float on
Even if things get get heavy, we'll all float on

Alright already, we'll all float on
Don't you worry, we'll all float on
We'll all float on"


This weekend i went down to Hollywood and spent some time with friends. it was great. saw lots of tourists who were fascinated by the sidewalk. took a long walk, bought a couple of foam swords, went vintage clothes shopping. fun stuff.


life gets difficult, life gets better. a never ending cycle that has been going on since the dawn of time. for some reason, after all these years and all the times i have had trouble, i still have a hard time breathing when the floods come. the present is only seconds and the past stretches on. it's hard to remember all the good times when you're going through hard times. as much as we can make plans for the future, nothing about tomorrow is determined...
going down to Hollywood reminded me of how everyone i am surrounded with on a daily basis is in a bad mood. i am finding it very difficult to stay. i think it's time for a change.



--as always