All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered

i am not quite sure what to say in light of everything, whether that makes sense or not... i usually keep my "song of the day" posts a bit impersonal, for the most part, but today i think is different... we'll see.


"Shattered" by O.A.R.

"In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

But how many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
I always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around"





you know that feeling when you try so hard to do something, or pull something off, a feat of some sort, and it all seems to be falling apart. or maybe you are trying to hide something but you feel that the veil you have put place to hide that thing is just a bit too thin, maybe even a bit sheer.... well, that's a bit how i feel at the moment: like things are a bit odd, not necessarily working out the way i would like them to... but that is not too uncommon for me... lol.

but recently i feel this rather acutely, this feeling: a feeling of vulnerability that i cant take away or change. i cant do anything about it because it moves at its own pace and it wont go away until it is ready to, or rather, till i have reached a point where it can.

psychology tells me that i have issues, and i believe it. i do have issues, but its how i cope with the world. and psychology tells me that there is a logical answer to the question posed in this song: "how many times can i break till i shatter?" and it is based on the psyche and the stability of an individual... but real life tells me that there is no true answer, because every situation is different and every situation has its different "shatter" points.




--as always

Your regrets fall like empty lines

"No Valentines" by Elton John

"No more Valentine's Day
No more Christmas cards
I've thrown them all away
No more sequined stars
No birthday wishes
No more surprises
Who needs them anyway?
No reason to get excited

Yes, I gave you everything
I gave you earth and sky
And everything in between
That walks or crawls or flies
No Easter mornings
It's your cross now
Keep it all for yourself
It's overrated anyhow

But keep my Valentine
I'll keep my bleeding heart
Just let me out of here
Before that sentimental music starts
Your regrets
Fall like empty lines
Like the lies we write
On Valentines

But keep my Valentine
I'll keep my bleeding heart
Just let me out of here
Before that sentimental music starts
Your regrets
Fall like empty lines
Like the lies we write
On Valentines

I'll keep my bleeding heart
Just let me out of here
Before that sentimental music starts
And your regrets
Fall like empty lines
Like the lies we write
On Valentines"




i really need to get rid of that shampoo...






--as always

*insert topic here*

Random late night, or any other time, musings:

=> on comic books:
- i started reading Sara's copies the the Blackest Night series, and i remembered why i love comic books... the sad part is that i don't remember the last time i read comic books, it was several several years ago...


=> on essays:
- i am very unamused by essay writing. it is not a bad thing to write essays, but nor is it enthralling. i must have only spent an hour and a half of slow slow typing on the essay i rewrote, practically from scratch last night... but i spent 5 hours at the computer, or doing other things like watching Ironman: The Armored Adventures, or making brownies, or just sitting there pressing my thumbs together...


=> on music:
- i'm going through a Elton John phase at the moment. i dont want to listen to anything else... just Elton John


=> on people:
- there are a few very select people that are driving my crazy at the moment, cray to the point where, in the back of my mind, becoming like Howard Hughes would be less stressful, jars of pee and all.... (dont worry, that's not gonna happen)


=> on family:
- sigh my parents are being very hot and cold right now, not with each other, but with me... one day they are very happy and willing to help me in my 'endeavors' and just a few days later they are telling me that my life is falling apart and heading down the drain and that i am not being a good student, daughter, servant, person, human being (insert noun here)... thanks guys, way to build the confidence... that's why i learned how to take care of myself emotionally many years ago...but here, have a cookie!


--as always

Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams

"Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club

"Desert loving in your eyes all the way
If I listen to your lies would you say
I'm a man without conviction
I'm a man who doesn't know
How to sell a contradiction
You come and go
You come and go

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon
You come and go
You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green

Didn't hear your wicked words every day
And you used to be so sweet I heard you say
That my love was an addiction
When we cling our love is strong
When you go you're gone forever
You string along
You string along

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon
You come and go
You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green

Every day is like survival
You're my lover not my rival
Every day is like survival
You're my lover not my rival

I'm a man without conviction
I'm a man who doesn't know
How to sell a contradiction
You come and go
You come and go

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon
You come and go
You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon
You come and go
You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon
You come and go
You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green"




This song has been following me... for weeks...




--as always

Are they gonna find us lying face down in the sand?

"Follow You Down" by Gin Blossoms

"Did you see the sky
I think it means that we've been lost
Maybe one less time is all we need
I can't really help it if my tongue's all tied in knots
Jumping off a bridge
It's just the farthest that I've ever been

Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
Any place but those I know by heart
Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
I'll follow you down but not that far

I know we're headed somewhere
I can see how far we've come
But still I can't remember anything
Let's not do the wrong thing
And I'll swear it might be fun
It's a long way down
When all the knots we've tied have come undone

Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
Any place but those I know by heart
Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
I'll follow you down but not that far

How you gonna ever find your place
Running in an artificial pace
Are they gonna find us lying face down in the sand?
So what the hell now
We've already been forever damned

Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
Any place but those I know by heart
Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
I'll follow you down but not that far

Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
Any place but those I know by heart
Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
I'll follow you down but not that far
I'll follow you down but not that far
I'll follow you down but not that far"


funny how this song is such a contradiction. it contradicts itself left and right. and yet i still love it. this week has been so great in so many ways, but it has also been very sad.

monday:
-no school
-no work
-i quietly left Chelle's house at 8 after spending the night for her birthday party thing. drove home and wasnt yelled at for spending the night at someones house. :)

tuesday:
-i dont know what was good or bad about tuesday...
-i fell asleep in the back of my truck while waiting for my brother to finish soccer practice. strangest thing i have ever done. (and if you dont know why, ask me the next time you see me)

wednesday:
-math test (meh)
-i didnt do much on wednesday...
-church was great. (ah! fun times!)

thursday:
-Subway (Sara won)
-last thursday night dinner:
-Beatles rock band
-enchiladas (mmm...)
-and much, much more!
-no work
-i wasnt at home for a full 12 hours (from 0800 to 2000)

friday:
- :)
-no school
-my red Swingline came via UPS today!!
-movie friday:
-built a fort
-played Beatles rock band
-watched Alice In Wonderland
-pulled a prank/heist/:)
-Bible talk was fun
-went to Burger King and watched Adrianne work for 30 mins
-went to the dog park with Adrianne and chilled till 930 (2130)
-still to come --> all night movie and math night! the movies: Star Wars 4, 5 and 6

wonderful, wonderful week! great times with friends! fantastic things done!

--as always