Thanks

ok, well... today was rough, maybe not as rough as yesterday, for obvious reasons... but still. Let's see, word count: maybe two, most likely: zero... ah, well, this too shall pass... as my mom always says. i guess it's good just to let things settle. like when you shake a soda and then let it sit so that it doesn't explode.

i am working on it. that's all i can say, and to those who i have talked to, you understand all the implications of that, and to those of you who have no idea... well, don't feel bad but you don't really need to know, no offense or anything. that's just the way it is.

alright... so despite the fact that i have had a little less than two hours of sleep, i feel remarkably well, physically. and, to my own astonishment, i am having no difficulty spelling, or at least i don't think i am... oh well, the spell check helps... i guess what i am trying to say is: thanks for all your concern, it really means a lot to me. i wanted to just send out a few thanks. Nikki, you overall are the greatest, followed closely by Sara, Grace and Jew. I love you guys so much and i want you to all know that i am breathing, if there were ever a better word. lol. Nikki will understand that above all.

Nikki. what can i say. you know me better than my parents do, which is sad, cuz they're my parents, but that's the way its worked out. i am so grateful for you and all that you do for me. you above all the other circle members know what i deal with and what i go through. you know my quirks and you know my tendencies. you and i both know that there are a thousand things that i am not directly saying right now, and i know that you understand most all of them. i am really grateful that you are there, even if its just to listen. thanks

Sara! you can always help brighten my mood. and i know that its been hard to do so recently, but all i can say is: you rock. i know we don't really talk about it, well... let me rephrase that... i know that you don't really talk about it, but you always listen to my issues. even when you don't want to, so thanks. know that i will gladly return the favor anytime, no joke.

Gracie, i love you so much. we have known each other for so long and sometimes i feel like we have unspoken conversations. you can read me like a book after all these years... (and i think that part of that stems from the fact that you knew me before i went into the practice of masking the way i feel, so you can still pick up on the base signals, lol) but you are such a good friend and i appreciate your willing heart to help me with anything. i have much love for you, gracie, much love.

Jew. more than words can say... you are amazing. you don't even have to say anything and that is enough for me. i seem to remember just standing there with you, in the wind, on ave m-8, balling my eyes out... thanks for that. i don't know what else to say but thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I also want to add a big thanks of support to Woody and Dakota, i know you two aren't really involved in my life in the way that some others are, but i wanted to say that i really appreciate the way that i can talk to both of you, about anything.

Woody, i really appreciate the fashion of our dialogue. i have beat around the bush and avoided topics in many conversations and in most areas of my life when i don't really want to talk about it, but we always have the most blunt and open conversations and i don't mind talking to you about anything, whether i really feel like it or not. so, thanks.

Dakota. you are another one i have known for a while, the funny thing is, ...well, maybe not so funny... but you have seen my ugly side, or at least parts of it. i'm sure you remember some of the things we did way back when, when i used to hang with sav and ashley (shudder)... sorry about some of that... the sad part is that i was ten times worse when i was away from her... anyways, truth is, i am really glad i got to know you better and i am really glad that we are friends (plus, you are... there isnt even a number... times a better friend than she ever was) i appreciate your input on many things... and even considering... i still owe you one. no lies, i keep my oaths.

and finally i am brought to Paige...
Paige, what can i say to you that you most likely don't already know? heck, you guessed about alex when i was still keeping it on the DL... you are my silent support, which means just as much as any of the others. all those time that you just let me chill at your place, and you keep me in check... i am reminded of a time recently, which still makes me smile, when you, taylor and i were sitting at your table and you were silently mocking me from the seat across the table... ah what laughs... thanks for being you.

to all the rest of the circle, you all rock too. your presence is enough to keep me on solid ground. i am here for all of you, no matter what. thanks



... and to you. i know that we aren't really talking right now, but i want you to know that i'm ok, really. you are where you are and i am where i am... and that's ok, we'll all float on, right? we deal with things in different ways, you bury yourself in music and i bury myself in the written word and we deal. ...i know that things are still a bit odd, and jumbled, and confusing right now... or at least they are for me... but i know it'll get better.



--as always.